[CLOSED] Helping Hands Critique Journal

38. Deep Within Time (Supremacy of Aequenoctium)

DISCLAIMER:
Ang iyong mababasa ay ayon lamang sa opinyon, kaalaman, at karanasan ng kritiko. Maaari kang masaktan sa ihahain na kritiko kaya hiling naming lawakan muna ang pag-iisip bago simulang magbasa. Nawa'y may karagdagang kaalaman kang matutunan sa pagsusuring ito.

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Author: Aphrodisia_11
Story: Deep Within Time (Supremacy of Aequenoctium)
Critic: City_Telle (FELICITY ESTELLE.)
Critique Finished: June 11, 2020 (6/11/2020)
Parts Read: 5 parts (including prologue and synopsis)
Book Status: on-going.
Genre: Fantasy

📌TITLE
(5%)

The title is very intriguing. Especially when you used the term, Aequenoctium. I must say that this is one of the most unique titles I have ever seen.

📌BOOK COVER
(3.5%)

The cover looked stunning! I see that you also used BLACKPINK's Jisoo as the portrayer for the princess.

But other than having a beautiful princess on the cover, it needs to relate to the title or the storyline. I mean, beauty isn't everything (see what I did there).

The title of your story is Deep Within Time, it should atleast have something related to time in the cover. Maybe a clock? A wristwatch?

Supremacy of Aequenoctium, present a symbol that represents the equinox in the cover. But nonetheless, I looks stunning.

📌BLURB /
PROLOGUE /
SYNOPSIS
(10%)

✒BLURB

↪️I really admire your wide range of vocabulary. Especially when you used the term, coup d'etat. I rarely read such phrases on this online platform. And this just gave me a taste of heaven.

The blurb is detailed. And at some point, it doesn't spoil the plot of the story. I must say, I could read the blurb all over again and still not get spoiled!

✒SYNOPSIS

↪️Your synopsis really gave a summary of your story. It gave an outline of what your story is about. Which is wonderful! Because a synopsis should be like that. Many people mistake a prologue for a synopsis, and I am overjoyed to see you aren't one of them!

✒PROLOGUE

↪️Ah, such wonderful terms you use! The vocabulary is very astonishing! Just by reading the prologue I can easily conclude that this story will become a hit!

The way you introduced the storyline and the characters, is very intriguing. It makes me want to read until the very last sentence, phrase, and word.

📌CHARACTERIZATION /
TONE
(13%)

✒MAHIAH

↪️ Rhedalia's Merida. She gives me Merida's vibe from the Disney Movie, Brave. Maybe because of the fact she doesn't want to get married. As well as Rapunzel from Tangled, because of her out-going nature. She reminds me of many disney princesses, but does not give me a personality trait that makes her a memorable character. But my opinion can still change as the story progresses.

"Remember that you should make your characters unforgettable, minor, lead or main. Making unforgettable characters are like making memorable memories with memorable people" - @City_Telle

📌PLOT
(26%)

Hmm... I can't fully conclude this part. Since, I have only read 3 chapters. But, I can predict that this plot will become very exciting and thrilling in the near future. And also, it's original.

📌GRAMMAR /
NARRATION /
DIALOGUE
(22%)

✒GRAMMAR

↪️Your grammar is excellent! But I just have to pinpoint this mistake:

Mahiah-feeling a weird sensation-took her...

That is wrong. We use commas to add additional information. For example:

Nigel, my brother, went to school. (Nigel is my brother and he went to school)

Nigel went to school. (Nigel went to school, I did not say that he is my brother)

That's the only mistake I saw, it's minor but I suggest you edit them.

✒NARRATION

↪️I have nothing to say about the way you narrate. You easily made us see the story. Your choice of words are delightful. Kudos to you, my dear!

✒DIALOGUE

↪️Grammar? Check! Narration? Check! Hotel? Trivago-

As I have stated, Mahiah reminds of many disney princesses, but she doesn't give me a reason to become unforgettable. And her dialogue justifies that point. Her way of speech is very similar to the other characters. Which is okay, since they should use the formal way of speaking because of the setting of the story.

But you see, other than the appearance of the characters, readers differentiate them through their dialogue.

You are a kpop fan, right? (Please correct me if I am wrong) And korean pop girl groups and boy groups differentiate themselves through their music - their brand name.

Let's take the group, ITZY. In ITZY's title track songs, all of them have a funky catchy sound to them - and so many things happen in one time, almost all of their songs have a hook after the chorus, their songs are about self-love, and they always have a dance break before or after the bridge.

Funky and catchy song? ITZY!

Hook after the chorus? ITZY!

Self-love? ITZY!

Dance break? ITZY!

That's their brand name. That is what differentiates their songs from other korean pop girl groups. Which is similar to a character's dialogue.

Readers can't see the characters nor can hear their voices. The only thing they rely on is their dialogue. So, I suggest making them more different.

📌NOVELTY
(9%)

I only have one word to say about this book, wonderful!

📌OVERALL EVALUATION
(88.5%)

Don't give up,okie? I really like your story and it is an honor to give constructive criticism about it! And thank you for also giving a critique about mine. Lovelots~!

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What do you think of my criticism? I want to hear your review as well ↪

~Admin City