Unexpected | Calum Hood

38.

"Hey, Dad." I smile into the phone. "Listen, I know you guys wanted to bring us food but we are just...exhausted. Can we reschedule? I swear we'll bring her up to see you again in the next few weeks but it's our first day home and we've just taken on too much." I sigh rubbing at my tired eyes.

"Yeah sweetheart. Just let us know if we can do anything to help."

I thank him for the offer and end the call. I'd texted Lena earlier and Calum had told his parents we'd see them in a few days. Everyone was amazingly understanding. It was our first night home with Paisley and the past few days had taken a lot out of us. Coupled with our earlier discussion of Calum's impending departure I was both mentally and physically drained.

"I think she's getting sleepy." Calum says stepping through to the living room with Paisley in his arms. "She's a little fussy. Do you want to try to feed her and see if she'll go down?" As if to prove his point she begins to wail showing off her powerful lungs.

"Yeah we can try it. Can you help me up the stairs to the rocker?"

He nods. We're walking on eggshells with each other at the moment. Both afraid to say anything that will set the other off. We keep our conversation short, only speaking when necessary where it relates to our daughter.

I hate it. I hate that I feel awkward around Cal. I hate that I feel unwelcome in our home. I hate that we're so focused on not hurting each other that we're causing each other pain anyways. We aren't able to be ourselves, and that I think is the most painful of all.

I ease down onto the rocker and cradle P against my chest, adjusting my shirt and nursing bra so she can feed. As she latches on, I slump against the chair and feel the full weight of my exhaustion.

"You know I wouldn't go if I didn't have to, right?" He asks finally, staring past me and out the nursery window.

I nod.

"You mean the world to me, Jes. I don't know how you still don't see that."

"I don't doubt that Calum. Me being upset about you leaving has nothing to do with my feelings for you."

"Then explain it to me. I can't fix it if I don't know what the problem is."

Paisley picks this exact moment to let out a scream and I'm thankful for the few minutes of soothing her that let me get my thoughts together.

"I'm just scared." I say honestly my eyes clouded with tears after she's quieted, her eyes drooping.

"Jes, my parents will be around, you have Lena, I'll be a phone call away. There's no reason to be scared." He tells me moving so he's seated in front of the rocker.

I just nod, not really knowing what to say to explain myself. The silence lingers for a moment, our eyes locked and I know he's worrying about me, trying to figure out what to say to make it better in his way that is intrinsically his. I don't know if there's anything he could say to put me at ease though.

"She asleep?" He asks finally.

I glance down at her and find her eyes closed, her breathing even, and nod in affirmation. He extends his arms for her and I pass her over. Cal pulls her against his chest and presses a sweet kiss to the top of her head before standing up and walking over to her crib. She doesn't stir as he sets her down and I move to stand beside him as we peer down at her.

"We made that." He says quietly as I rest my head on his shoulder. He pulls me around in front of him and wraps his arms around my waist putting his head in the crook of my neck as we marvel at our little girl.

"How'd you feel about a shower?"

"And just leave her?"

"She'll be fine for five minutes love. She's got her owlet on." He says gesturing to the sock on her foot. "We'll take the monitor in with us. Come on." He says beginning to tug on my fingers. I start to protest but the grimy feeling covering my skin stops me, I really do need a shower.