Ascension

Lorelei

Warning: This chapter contains content that some  viewers might find unsettling. If you get unsettled easily skip this chapter.

I can't believe that I am here again. I'm so disappointed in myself. I look at myself in the bathroom mirror and all I see is a mess. A mess of everything. I run my fingers through my hair, trying to calm myself down but I can't. I simply just can't.

When my fingers reach the end of my hair I tug, hard. I hate this, I hate myself. I look back into my mirror and see tears running down my face, they stain my face and I look like an even bigger mess. I close my hands into fists and tug on my hair once again. I hate myself.

Every aspect of my freaking life is a front and I hate it. I hate my life. I start pacing around the bathroom. I can't do what I'm thinking of. I just can't, but the more I think about it the more I feel I need to do it. I don't want to do it, I need to do it.

Maybe I should have let Indiana kill me three weeks ago, it would have ended my miserable life once and for all. I need to leave this life behind. I fumble with my pocket because my hands were shaking to much.

I finally pull out a pocket knife and slowly open it. My hands are shaking and my heart is pounding in my chest. I'm not going to do it. I'm scared. Not of dying but of being caught.

"You coward!" I scream.

I burst into hysterical tears and I bring the knife down to my skin. It just barely pricks my skin and I scream again. I'm such a coward. My brain is now begging my body to kill itself. I want to die. I didn't realize I dropped my knife until I was about to try again. I looked around and found it near my feet.

I picked it up again and watched a little drop of blood form where I had tried the first time. My hand was violently shaking.

"Coward! Coward." I hysterically screamed at myself.

As if that would give me the power to actually kill myself. I raised the knife again and I was going to press it against my skin but then I thought of Elijah.

I thought of his goofy smile and his bright eyes. I remembered his promises of a better life. I smiled a watery smile, even he couldn't save me from myself.

I can't stop myself now. I brought the knife down. I cut a line into my arm. It hurt but I didn't scream, I didn't even sob. Silent tears ran down my face. I was devoid of emotions. I wasn't smiling and I wasn't sad either. I was just empty. I had actually done it again. I was weak.

I am a coward. I'm worthless. I screamed again out of frustration. I had tried so hard to be someone worth living but nothing is good enough. I tried so hard to be extraordinary but I failed so freaking miserably.

I'm weak. I watched as blood pooled out of my arm. I didn't stop it as it hit the bathroom floor. It looked so red. Just like last time. It was almost like a poem that I am here in this situation again. The blood wouldn't stop coming out of my arm and I didn't want it to stop. I would be fine if I just let myself bleed out, right?

I knew I couldn't die from one cut into my arm so I pulled the bloody knife from off the floor and brought it down on my skin again. I dragged it against my skin again and again until I felt only frustration. I was covered in my own blood and I didn't care.

I wasn't disgusted with myself in the slightest. It felt almost natural that I should be. When my left forearm was nothing but pulped flesh and blood I started on my next arm. Tears were barely coming anymore but I needed the pain. I craved the pain almost as much as well breathing.

I guess that doesn't make sense does it? I'm here because I don't like myself, but I don't know what else to compare to. I put my face in my hands. I don't care that I am getting my face bloody. I just don't care anymore.

I don't care if I live or die. I just want to sleep. My body began quaking and my thoughts began to get fuzzy. Blood loss. I'm going to die of blood loss.

I felt myself slipping in and out of consciousness. I'm going to die of blood loss.

The words felt foreign on my tongue. Like they just didn't belong there in the first place but I want to be gone, don't I? I keep repeating them to myself softly. It begins to be a promise. This is what I want, isn't it?

But if it is why am I questioning it. Then the answer hits me like a twenty ton weight. Elijah. Freaking Elijah. He is the only reason I am stopping myself from actually dying. I get up from the toilet and try to walk but I've already lost too much blood.

I collapse on the floor unconscious. So, I am going to die anyway. At least I will sleep.

Into the darkness I slip and I don't feel pain. I feel relief almost. I guess this is what death feels like and to be honest it isn't the hell I expected. I felt a coolness fall over me and I began fading away. I began to forget everything and I felt calm.

Calmer than I had felt in a while because to be honest my life is a complete mess. The only thing keeping me from enjoying this was a tiny voice in the back on my mind whispering softly to me.

Wrong. This is all wrong. Stop, go back! This is Wrong!!

It wouldn't allow me to enjoy my rest and it made me feel a little uneasy. I began waiting for something to happen. Something to change but nothing did and I began getting frustrated. Why couldn't I just enjoy this time where I don't have to worry about anything. 

Slowly there was a weight pressing against my chest and at first it eased my frustration because it meant that something had changed but then it started pushing my breath out of my lungs and I found it hard to breath, which is weird because I'm dead aren't I? 

Suddenly the temperature dropped and the air around me felt freezing. I wanted to get up and run away but I couldn't moved. I was trapped under the weight of an invisible force. I began panicking but it was impossible for me to die twice so I don't know why I was panicking. 

This is wrong, what is happening?

When I wake up again I am hooked up on a machine, I look up and Willow is talking to a doctor. Why am I alive?