Spectrum

70

** Trigger Warning **

Physical Abuse mentioned.

Natalia's POV

Is this a bad idea? Yes.

Have I had worse ideas? Also, yes.

But, is this one of the top ten worst ideas I have ever had? It's easily top three.

I wait until I hear the footsteps on the other side of the door. I hold my breath as his footsteps approach.

"Hi." He says, looking down at me and crossing his arms. "Are you here to apologize or just to pick another fight with me?" 

"Shut up." I mutter, pushing past him and entering the living room.

"Sure, come on in." He says sarcastically. "Make yourself at home." 

"You cleaned." I say, looking at the tidy space around me.

"It's a lot easier to clean when you don't have someone constantly throwing their shit all over the place." He points out. "Want a beer?" 

"No." I reply. 

"So, tell me. Why did you call me? Finally realize that your rich boyfriend is a fucking loser?" He laughs.

"No." I say, rolling my eyes. "If anyone was the fucking loser, it was you." I tell him.

"Yet you're right back where you started, right?" Ryan laughs opening a bottle of beer and handing one to me. "Come on, I know you need this just as much as I do." 

I take the bottle out of his hand and take a long drink. 

"There you go." He laughs. "So, why are you here?" 

"I have no idea." I reply honestly. "It seemed like...a good idea." 

"And it's not?" He asks.

"Of course not." I reply as though this should be obvious.

"Then why are you here?" He asks.

"I don't know, Ryan. Maybe because I'm so fucked up from our shitty relationship that I'm now too blind to see what was right in front of me. God, you left me so fucked up in the head. You make me actually believe that this- with you- is safe. This is not a safe place. This is the worst place to possibly be in the entire world." I yell in frustration.

"Oh, there she is! Perfect Natalia is just so innocent in all of this. Our shitty relationship was because of you, Natalia. Not me. Yeah, I might not have helped the situation, but I didn't cause all of it on my own. You were fucking terrible to be with. You were an absolute nightmare." He yells back in frustration. 

In a fucked up way, this is exactly what I needed. I need the yelling. I need the argument. I need all of this. Is it unhealthy? Absolutely. 

I never claimed to be healthy, though.

"You think you were any better? You fucking cheated on me! You cheated, you lied, you screamed at me, you hit me. Need I go on?" I ask.

"I cheated on you because you were such a fucking bitch of a girlfriend. I lied to you because you would never let me live it down. I screamed at you because it was the only way to get through to you and I fucking hit you because you give me no other choice!" He yells, shoving me back against the wall.

"And look at you now. You're about to fucking do it again. Go ahead, Ryan! Fucking hit me! I have nothing to lose! You're not taking anything from me! You won't get any fucking satisfaction from it! So go ahead, hit me!" I scream, shoving him back.