Royal Arrangement

19) NALINI~ Soring Ache

I took a deep breath as I held back on my tears. I wouldn't cry, not because of him. I wouldn't let him take control of everything. My hand clutched the paper bag. I was still staring at the stuck door, which wouldn't close at the worst of times. I saw those cutting strides of his feet. But somewhere inside me, I knew I messed up. But why? Why was it my fault? Why was it my fault to be honest?

I pursed my lips and took another deep breath but this time through my mouth. I stretched forward and hit the door. It shut instantly and I strode back to my desk.  I opened the paper bag as hunger surfaced me. I didn't eat all day, and this time too, Kabir was the reason I ate. I peeked inside just to see a sandwich, along with a brownie and the small box of tablets, probably the headache medicine he was talking about.

I sniffed as I pulled out the sandwich box and opened it. Again, unknowing to him it was the only thing I had wished to eat all day long. I sighed as I took a slow bite. My eyes tearing up from the harshness of earlier. It was me, it was a part of me, then why for the first time I didn't feel good about it?

I held back my tears but they rolled down my eyes despite everything. Despite every effort I had put to put a mask on. The mask fell. I chewed onto the food as I let my tears cover my face. I put the sandwich back and pushed it forward on the table. I didn't want to eat it, I couldn't eat it. I put my palms against my eyes.

I wanted someone to save me from it. I didn't know what was going on in my life. I was always alone, never this lonely, never this sad. "This is all because of Kabir." I accused him again, not wanting to admit I let him do this to me, to my life. Not wanting to admit, that I was the one feeling things since day one. It was not my fault, I had rarely invested my time in relationships. But something about Kabir, made me feel the need to give it a chance.

"It's all my fault. Not..." I didn't care if anyone heard me. I cried, failing to hold my thoughts, my emotions inside myself. Kabir made me realise how much of a fool I was, and he was. Kabir was that trigger that made me feel so much that I got confused about what I felt. I was falling for him slowly, I would never admit it. But every-time he was around, in one way or another he made me feel like he cared. Just like what he did now, he came looking for me before people who have known me for years.

He didn't come empty handed, he bought a fucking antidote for my headache, for the pain his words had caused me. He didn't care when I said I kissed another man. He didn't care if I had went out to a bar dressed up. He didn't care when I told him it was my first kiss. He didn't care when he said the kiss meant nothing. He didn't care when I told him it was hard for me to see it as nothing.
But he cared when I didn't want him to. But he cared when he brought me dinner tonight. But he cared only when he felt like it.

If it wasn't selfish? What was Selfish?

Just as I thought the moment had passed, I heard a thud on the door and Kabir blasted inside. My heart skipped a loud beat as he walked towards me. I couldn't help but think he'd hurt me. Confusion was there yet I ducked my head gently as he edged closer in a mere second. He grabbed my wrist. A gasp left my lips. I anticipated a hit, but it never came.

I looked up with the same teary eyes and he had a frown casted on his face. "You're going back with me, NOW!" He stated. His lips were straight, pressed together. I gulped gently before I came back to my senses. I tried to pull my hand away but his grip was tight. I felt the pressure travelling up my hand and forearm.

"I will go home whenever the f-" before I continued, Kabir pulled me up on my feet and got a hold of my jaw. "I told you once Nalini, don't fucking mess with my head. I don't care if you think I am a selfish Jerk, but everyone is worried about you. Every-fucking-one! And you're going back for them, not for me or for yourself." He said through gritted teeth.