Royal Arrangement

35) NALINI~ the ending of Nothing

I stared at Kabir's sleeping face. It was the 19th. The chilling 19th. The dreading 19th. The 19th I wished would never come. The sad 19th of October that marked the six months of this arrangement.

Six months and I wished they were never over. Six months and I wished they were six years. Six months that were like six days. Six months of this nothingness that was everything I wished for. Six months of knowing Kabir. Six months of constant good nights, pleasure, pain, anxiety, peace, anger, frustration, and Love.

I reached for his hair and slowly caressed them. My fingers ran through them and he breathed in slowly. It was about time he would wake up. His arm was around my waist, his warmth all around me yet I hadn't slept a wink. I had been thinking all night. I had been wanting to dissolve in him all night. I had been wishing for six months to go back and start over.

Yet a part of me wanted Kabir to win this. Maybe just maybe it will finally put him at peace. Maybe just maybe he will heal slowly and give us another try someday. Because I knew he was starting to like this. Because I knew he was feeling what I had been feeling. Because I knew he had no idea it was slowly coming to an end. Because I knew he didn't want it to end. I saw it, felt it. But then again, wasn't it all just for a few months?

Wasn't it all a part of something so important in his life? He needed to win this small fucking stupid bet with his father to save Trisha and Abhishek from not being with the love of their lives. It was freeing, it was beautiful how this small bet could save people and kill someone. It was killing me but if Kabir was happy with it, I was too. Because honestly, I cared less about the way I was feeling. Because Kabir's tears, his actual self, mattered more. His happiness mattered more to me.

Kabir opened his eyes slowly. He looked at me with a small smile. I bet I couldn't conceal the worry in them. He frowned instantly as if reading my thoughts. He stopped my hand from reaching his hair again, he held it in his while all he did was stare at me. "You've been doing this for over an hour now. It's barely five in the morning sky. What's wrong?"

"I don't know. I just couldn't sleep." I told him. He nodded gently. "Well maybe I can help." He turned away a little and made space for me near his chest. I couldn't help but smile. I knew I would cry. But I was stronger. Where was the Nalini that was stronger, that couldn't worry less to shed a tear. She was right there inside me but she was afraid of stepping out and it was so not good.

I turned around and shifted closer to him. His face rested on my head. "Aren't you missing your workout?" I asked.
"I will workout later in the day. I always have time for it. But you should go to sleep now. Don't worry about me." He gently intertwined our hands.

I felt my eyes drooping and tired. A tear unknown to me slipped my eyes wetting Kabir's skin. He sighed. He knew I was not feeling good. I closed my eyes ignoring the questions he asked. They were already distant, already blurred, already inaudible, already what I feared answering.

I let myself fall asleep. The pain in my heart numbing with tiredness. Tiredness of not being able to sleep. Tiredness of running away. Tiredness of feeling so much. Tiredness of not expressing even half of what I felt. Tiredness of holding back. Tiredness of not screaming how much I dreaded this end. Tiredness of how much I wished I'd spend just a little more time with him.

It felt like dying. As if I was going to die with a lot of regrets, with a lot of worries about someone I love, with an of unfinished story. But I wasn't going to die, and I was sure of it. And I couldn't yet decide which one was worse. 
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I felt sun all over me. Not just it's light but the gentle heat. It must be noon when I woke up. I took a deep breath a I picked myself up from the bed. It was time that I should be leaving. I was late. I had a flight to take. I gulped as reality once again dawned upon me.