Leaving Behind

37. Fight or Flight

PETE

I am back to Vegas' room for the follow up check up appointment with Dr. Top that has been set by Vegas. While I was getting checked up by Dr. Top, I sat on the bed while Vegas was standing and leaning his body against the wall, near the window.

"Everything is fine. You just need to focus on getting enough rest and immediately come to the hospital if you experience any dizziness or start to vomit since you have been hit on the head." Dr. Top reminded me. I nodded as a response.

It was done, but Dr. Top kept staring at me, and I kept on avoiding from having eye contact with him. He let out a sigh. "Now that you are right at in front of me..." He started to speak. "Let's talk." He continued.

I know this time will come sooner or later. I forced myself to finally agree with him. This might be for a better. The issue is... to what extent should I be honest with him? And Vegas can't be here.

I glanced at Vegas. "He can't be here." I told Dr. Top. Vegas seemed offended with what he had just heard.

"Of course." Dr. Top agreed.

Vegas came closer to me and Dr. Top. He is clearly dissatisfied with Dr. Top's response to my request. "What do you mean I can't be here? I am the one who called you." Vegas pointed at Dr. Top.

"And you!" Vegas pointed at me. "I know about you. You told me. Isn't it because you trust me?" He talked about the travelling time vaguely as he knows Dr. Top know nothing about it. I appreciate that.

"What makes you think I've trusted you enough to tell you everything?"

"What?"

"You asked me to use you."

"To save me."

"Please stop." I pleaded.

I immediately pulled away my hands away once I felt a light touch from someone. It was Dr. Top. I didn't even realise that I've been digging my nails into the back of my left hand's skin.

Vegas noticed Dr. Top's action and  is staring at him fiercely. He didn't even notice why Dr. Top do what he did. He was too consumed with anger and envy.

"This is important for Pete." Dr. Top told Vegas. "Should we make another appointment outside of the minor family mansion?" Dr. Top asked Vegas while looking straight into his eyes. I wonder why does it sounded more like a threat than a suggestion for Vegas.

Vegas grunted. "Fine!" He finally agreed. "Go on. I'll wait outside." He glanced at me before going out of his own room.

Dr. Top starts the session in no time. He started by asking me simple question like what my full name is, my age, where was I grew up in, with who I was living with, where I am working at,  and how did I ended up working at the main family mansion.

This is only the second time I had a proper session with him, and I can already catch up on his method. He will start with simple questions, probably to build rapport with me, and to observe my habit to create some kind of benchmark or standard that can be used against me if I lie.  Then here comes the most tense and stressful part.

"What do you think is the trigger of your panic attack?"

"I don't know." I lied.

"Was it the situation or environment or... was it a person?" Dr. Pete seemed to know that I lied. He didn't even give a damn about it and just kept on asking me.

"Probably a person. It can also be the situation." I surrendered and answered his question with an honest answer. At least, that was what I thought. I suspected, but I don't think it is that crucial.

"Who?" He asked me again.

"I refuse to answer this." I used my rights as a client to protect my privacy.

"What did he do to you?" He kept on asking. He doesn't even know who the person was, but how can he know the gender? Lucky guess, I guess?

"Nothing." I unconsciously took a pillow and placed it on my lap, putting up a wall between us.

"You know you can't keep it hiding from me." He caught me. Although, I can't really understand the fidgeting I am feeling.

"I'm not lying." I convinced him. Then I continued softly. "It was just a dream."

"In that dream, what did that person do to you?" He kept asking me about that person. I told him it could also be the situation I was in. I answered anyway.

"He... hit me and torture me." I told him half of the truth. "But I already get over it. We even talked. I don't think that is the cause of the panic attack." I defended Vegas without realizing.

"That was probably your defence mechanism. Your fight or flight response. You thought you were all over the trauma, although it's actually still there. That is why you can socialise well with him, but when your body detects any harm, it will respond." Dr. Top explained.

He continued after making sure I understood his point, "Before your brain says so, your body knows. Your body remembers. Before you know it, your body reacts before your brain."

I couldn't argue anymore. There is truth in Dr. Top's explanation, and I probably already knew it all along. I was just not ready to talk about it out loud. That was probably the reason why I avoided all the appointments set by Dr. Top.

"So... what should I do? How do I work it out with him?" I asked after being silent for at least five minutes.

"Do you really do need to associate yourself with him?" Dr. Top asked in disbelief.

"Yes." I answered and nodded once.

"After everything he had done to you?"

"As I mentioned, it was just a dream."

"Are you sure?"

"What do you think my mind is not sound enough to differentiate between dream and reality?" I accidently snapped at Dr. Top.

"That is not what I meant." Dr. Top cleared his throat. "It is not really recommended for a victim and perpetrator to stay in contact."

"I can't help it." I shrugged, feigning indifference. I can understand Dr. Top's concern. However, how can I explain to him that the cause of my panic attack as he mentioned is really not from this life, but from my other life?

"He has changed." I convinced Dr. Top, which he replied with a nod. Now, I am almost sure he knew who I was talking about.

"It is also a good intervention for you to face the cause of your trauma. However, when the cause is human, it is an entirely different case. Your safety must be your main priority."

"I understand."

"Good."

"Since you are pretty much convinced that he has changed, try to talk to him. See if he can help you. Still... if it is too much, distance youself."

I nodded as Dr. Top started to pick up his belongings, signalling to end our session. Then, he stood up before reminding me, "It is really rare for a victim to seek solace from his own perpetrator. Actually, usually, it is not allowed at all."

I nodded once again. "Thank you." I thanked him, not for the session, but for understanding and respecting my decision not to disclose anything further. I was left alone for about five minutes before Vegas entered the room.

_________

Early present because Biu is having fanmeeting abroad. Gosh~~~ Am I dreaming? The January me won't believe in this if I tell her this.

Can Biu be quick spoiling other countries for fanmeetings? I need to plan my monthly expenses 🥹💙.

....and Beyourluves and Bubble, for being unbothered about what is happening on twitter is the best!

Same old same old 🙄.
We are Kings and Queens indeed!

Have fun reading! 💙