Let me love you. ✔

23 Poison To The Brain

Dedicated to @gretaqueen54

Nova

My heart slams erratically against my chest. I have been on the plane for more than an hour and it won't slow down.

I told him I love him!

I didn't wait for his reaction and walked away without looking back. Well, walked. I took a run for it.

This is the first time I said it to anyone. Of course, I tell my parents I love them. Hannah means the world to me, but I can't get it over my lips to tell her I love her. I don't know why my brain makes my mouth unable to speak when I need to express the way I feel inside.

I loved Dean, or maybe it was the thought of being in love with him. He didn't give me the chance to explore my feelings. Before Dean, I never understood such hatred toward the person you were in love with.

You hear about couples breaking up, spitting fire, and telling the world dirty secrets that were only meant for the ears of the person they loved. I always said to myself that I wouldn't let that happen between us. Because, through the hate that fills the veins of the one left broken, you're unable to see the other is suffering too. And nobody deserves to suffer.

My stupid young heart couldn't be more wrong when I made that agreement with myself. I wanted Dean to suffer. I wanted him to feel the same pain I felt when he told me I am nothing. A failure whore, a disgrace for losing his child, a disease that needed to be exterminated.

Sure, the beating and the way he forced himself on me are still hunting me, but that is nothing compared to his voice infiltrating my thoughts. Destroying the days I feel a glimpse of happiness, worthy enough to live and be loved. Moments I share with Matt are troubled by the constant struggle against the lies he put in my head.

He pops up in my mind like the irritating tune of it's a small world after all. You can't get it to go away so you let yourself get carried away like the truth only can be found in his words and voice.

An irritated sigh leaves me and I notice that my nails dug into the armrest, turning my hands white from the pressure. I stretch my fingers to let the blood flow back in them and fold them in my lap.

Suddenly, I miss my parents. I haven't seen them in a year, afraid to walk into Dean. I miss the big hugs only my dad can give me. Yes, I'm a daddy's girl, but I also miss the talks with my mom sitting together on the kitchen countertop with tea and cookies, watching over the green fields where her horses run free and chase each other. We would talk about everything and nothing.

It's still a habit when I see a countertop. This butt will sit on it. Maybe I could visit them this month. December is only a month away and I promised Matt that I will go with him to London over the holidays. Crossed fingers my parents don't count on me with Christmas.

I do hope we don't have to stay at his parent's house. What if his mother hates me. I can't catch a breath of air if I don't have a place to take a retreat.

What if she invites Alita's parents and she comes too! No, she wouldn't, would she? I feel a headache coming up through the cramped muscles in the back of my neck.

No need to get stressed about something so far away. Relax, Nova.

I pull my earplugs out of my pocket and put the new album from Foxes on to be able to block out my surroundings and, hopefully, my thoughts.

The last weeks were hectic to say at least, with work and getting everything done for this trip. I could use a good relaxing evening and I am going to plan one as soon as possible. And I already know the best way to have a great evening. It's going to be a full-only girl's allowed night with Hannah.