Dreadful Desire

Chapter 62

***Trigger warning, sexual assault, violence, mental and physical abuse.****

"Let me explain.  Please don't judge me," her brown pigments exploded with shame.

Finding a chair, dragging it across the monotonous floor, bellyaching along the way, settling in beside her, bequeathing my undivided attention to attend to her words, waiting patiently for Jade to commence.

She respires a loud breath with exasperation, "When I was 16, I made a decision that changed my life forever. I was young and stupid like most teenagers. I didn't have a happy home. My mom and dad fought like crazy. He left when I was 7."

"I remember I heard them fighting about her not cooking for him, or washing his clothes so I wrote him a letter asking him to stay, saying he could sleep on my bed, I would cook for him and wash his clothes. I was only 7 but I was willing to do it to keep dad at home."

"Right before he exited, I tugged on his sleeve, looked up into his sad eyes, gave him my written speech. I watched intensely as he read it, in the hopes he would stay. His eyes met mine when he completed my written plea, closed his glossy eyes, hugged and kissed me, grabbed his bag and walked out the door, while I screamed at him not to go."

A tear escapes her right eye while she inhaled a sniffle. Assisting her, I gently wiped it away.

"I felt devastated, he left me. Even after I begged him not to leave me, he still walked out on his 7 year old screaming, begging daughter and NEVER looked back. He completely abandon me, leaving me all alone."

"I resented my mother for him leaving. To me, it was her fault, she didn't cook or clean or take care of the house while he was at work. I educated myself, I made it my mission to learn how to perform house chores for when I had a man."

"Our relationship was tumultuous to say the least. After he left, I withdrew, closed up and threw away the key. When I was 12 my mother got into a relationship that she got completely lost in. It was like I didn't even exist to her anymore. The world revolved around him."

"She was so caught up in her life and what he wanted, she completely abandoned her duties as a mother. I had to perform all the motherly undertakings, cooking, cleaning the house, even though I was in school and had extra curriculars to attend."

"I had to actually dart home from school, clean the house everyday because it would be in shambles, cook for her AND her boyfriend and then stay up late to complete my homework." 

Jade stirred in the bed, groaning at her movements, settling in again. 

"I was 12! I should have been able to enjoy my childhood."

"Becoming a teenager, we argued consistently without fail. I had lost all respect for the woman I called my mother. I would stay out drinking, come home passed my curfew and when she would attempt to "Mother" me I'd tell her I was tired, we'd talk about it tomorrow and close the door in her face. I was beyond disrespectful and couldn't care less."

"When I turned 16, I made the life altering decision to sneak out the house to attend a party." 

She liberated a loud breath, sounding agitated at passed choices.

"Why did I do that?" Slight movements of her head exhibited her nagging disapproval in her judgement.

Shutting her eyes, she drew silent. I waited in anxious noiselessness for the completion of her story.    

She began again, "I was dressed in black skintight pants, with a crop top and boots. My friends and I had so much fun drinking and dancing that night, when I felt like someone was watching me. You know when you can feel it? I searched the crowed house, and our eyes locked, the intensity in his brown tints drew me in. We exchanged smiles, ogling each other but posturing to look away, he finally came over to me and sparks flew everywhere."