The Pain You Bring

2 | 𝐍𝐘𝐂

"I love how dark your hair is." Chloe says behind me as she braids my hair. "Do you think I could pull off dark hair?" 

After class, we stopped by a Mexican restaurant and got some to go tacos for lunch. We ate and came back to my dorm afterwards. 

"I don't know," I say. "Your hair color is really pretty. Plus it's all natural." She sighs as she grabs a swirly hair tie from my nightstand and ties my hair at the ends.

"I know but I want something different. You know how you're so used to the same thing all the time you kinda wanna change things up?" She asks. 

I know that feeling way too well.

"Not really," I say shaking my head. "But your hair is already a pretty red, maybe a deep brown wouldn't look as bad as you think."

My dark brown hair came from my father's side of my family. I always wanted bright blonde hair but my mother always told me my skin tone wouldn't look right with bright hair.

I shut down yet another want of mine because she said no. 

Chloe pouts as she sits in my desk chair. "Can we go do something?"

I roll my eyes at her, "Chlo, we went for lunch and it's already rush hour. What could you possibly want to do?"

She gives me a sarcastic stink eye, "You need to have fun more. I know we went to a night club two weeks ago when I showed you around but we haven't done anything since then."

She comes to sit next to me on my bed. "We live in the Big Apple now, Mandy. Let's go actually live in it and not just sit here with our thumbs up our asses."

I chuckle as I fall back on my bed. "I don't know, I have some homework to do."

Chloe is the one to roll her eyes now. "Homework. The classic Amanda excuse. Come on! I want to get all dolled up and look super sexy and reject people who find me attractive." 

I look up at her, "why would you want to do that?"

She shrugs, "bad bitch mentality." Her eyes drift on the ceiling playfully as she smiles, "and maybe a cute guy wouldn't be so bad."

My eyebrows raise, "Chloe," I tease, "I didn't see you as the New York man type." She rolls her eyes again. "Fine, we won't go out," she pauses, "Tonight. But mark my words we will leave this dorm to have fun, got it?"

Chloe says her goodbyes and leaves my room, shutting my door behind her.

I was so stressed out with school that as much as I did love Chloe, and as much as I would love going out, I don't think I'd be able to enjoy myself.

School is a total bitch.

Just as I shut my eyes, my laptop starts to go off.

What?

I see 'Abby<3'  blinking on an incoming zoom call. Oh my god, I forgot she was calling me today.

After graduation, Abby and I split apart. She was accepted to TCU (Texas Christian University) on an academic scholarship and I came to New York. 

It was hard saying goodbye to my bestfriend. I loved her beyond words. 

For the first couple of weeks, I felt so alone without her. We tried texting and facetiming everyday but with school, it was too much. So we agreed a once a week call would be enough to make time for.

I run over to my computer and bring it to my bed, answering the call.

"Heyyyy!" Abby says with a smile. I smile back, "Hey."

"How are you?" She asks. I answer honestly, "Uh, really stressed out. School isn't going easy on me." She chuckles, "I can tell. You look like shit."

I flip her off and we both laugh. "How's Texas?"

"It's good. I've been super caught up with sorority crap that I almost forgot to call you. We're supposed to be planning this fundraiser at a Mass in a week," She says as she puts her hair up into a low ponytail.

"How's NYC?" She asks. I huff, "rude people, horrible traffic, and assholes for guys. You'd love it here."

"I miss you," she says. I feel my heart hurt. "I miss you too." 

Abby considered coming to New York with me. But her parents were paying for her collage and they came to the conclusion that New York is too expensive for them. She was upset, but she knew that was life. You can't always have your way. 

"You should come visit me sometime. Texas is so fun, and the guys here," She mockingly fans herself, "believe it or not, Texas boys are a lot cuter than you'd think."

We talk for another hour before she has to go and help with more planning for her fundraiser. We say goodbye and promise to call each other next week.

I close my laptop and feel a crushing sense of loneliness. Yes, I have Chloe and a few more friends, but I don't have people who I can ever just talk to and be myself around.

Even in high school, dating was never the best for me. All the boyfriends I did have I normally hid from my mother. She would always lecture me about how guys are useless and you shouldn't waste your time, so dating was never really enjoyable most of the time.

Believe me, I tried being in relationships, but their time was cut short because they didn't like how my mood would die out every time my mother called me or how closed off I became when talking about deeper things. I only ever really opened up to Abby about my life.

Relationships were just never apart of my life for the most part. That didn't mean I didn't want to be in one... I read books about perfect love stories and people loving you for who you are.

I think I've begun coming to the conclusion that boys don't want me because I have such high expectations but you know what? Whatever. 

I've never minded being alone or keeping my feelings to myself. Being alone was where I could gather my thoughts and not worry about anyone else's issues. Then again, it didn't come with the perks of not  feeling it.

Fuck it, I'm not doing my homework right now.

I open up my laptop and decide to watch Sex and The City until I fall asleep.