Until I Find You

Chapter 19: Alexithymia

Tiana

I watch the waves of the river go, it's not the normal calming waves but rather a dangerous malicious waves. I close my eyes hearing the soothing sound of water running. Hearing it makes it sound harmless but seeing the current of the water makes it dangerous. Maybe that is how the saying something like, 'words mean nothing, actions speak louder,' came along.

I hear footsteps behind me, it was Amahle. Her footsteps are light but only heavy when the balls of her feet touch the ground. Being a spy, you get use to analysing people's footsteps and knowing who is whose. We were taught analysing footsteps is vital. Being taught how to be an assassin we were told to always change the way we step so it thoughts the person off guard. Being taught to be a bodyguard we were told to always listen how much footsteps there are.

"Hey," she says as she starts to sits next to me and I open my eyes.

"Hey, why do you look sad? Did something happen?"

I investigate her with questions, looking at her. Her body is slouching, and her eyes have a despairing look in them, but her smile will tell you otherwise even if it does not reach her eyes.

"We need to talk," she answers and looks towards the river.

"Sure,"

"Tiana, this is really hard for me to say because I thought it was not true, but I can not hide the truth," she says, getting me anxious. I feel like this is going to be remorseful in my gut. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach almost like a warning.

"Okay, I still do not know what you are talking about," I say, looking her in the eyes. Her eyes spoke, hurt, and pain but from what? The smile no longer on her face but rather a thin line, trying to stop herself from crying I presume.

"Tiana, you are not in love with me but rather in love with my comfort. You are in love with Anurak. I saw that when he got hurt and you felt pain in your eyes. When you look at him, you have sparkles in your eyes that I can never make you have. You guys might think hate each other's guts but clearly, your hearts love each other. That is why I have to break up with you. I am not the right one for you, but you should know that Anurak also cares about you, he might say otherwise but his eyes speak of how he loves, care for you. When you got hurt by Stefani, he was the first to get to you, he cares about you deeply. We are just two people who like the idea of being with each other and are not meant to be. I am truly sorry about this," Amahle says as a stream of tears starts falling from her eyes. She is hurting and I feel numb with the words coming out of her mouth. In the moment I feel numb, I can not feel anything, and my mind is blank. For all the times I overthink and have words to say in the moment I need it the most, my mind is quiet. It has no words or overthinking just underthinking.

All I can think about is how she made it clear that she fell in love with the wrong person. Her last few words play in my head again as she gets up.

"Silence is a louder answer than words will ever be. Silence is the greatest noise someone can ever make. Silence will always be more powerful than words. Which means I am right, or you just realized, you have feelings for Anurak, and you do not want to believe it," Amahle cries, the pain in her voice as her voice cracks. She turns around on the tips of her feet and starts walking away. She turns around giving me one last glance. I look her in the eyes, now I have millions of words and thoughts but the only words escaping my mouth is, "No, it is not that. I just do not understand why you would think I like Anurak. I do not like him, I like you. Please I can change, just please do not leave me."

My voice cracks, I plead for her to be with me, not to leave me. She stops in her tracks, turns around to face me, giving me an apologetic smile. Tears stream down my cheek and down towards my neck. I was never a pretty crier, I always ugly cry. I do not know what is worst, to keep my eyes open so the tears stop or to close my eyes in an attempt to stop the tears.

"You need to stop listening to your head and rather listen to your heart. Some things are better left unsaid than said but I will not be used as a distraction to make Anurak jealous or worst just because you do not want to admit you like him. Tiana we can not be friends because I still like you and probably forever will still like you. I guess this is a goodbye as a friend and girlfriend," with that she turns on the balls of her feet and swiftly but elegantly walks away. All I can hear is the balls of her feet getting further in the distance. Every step she took, felt like a dagger to the chest. Before I knew it a stream of water was on my face rushing down to my neck and on my top. The only sound left to hear is my little cries and the water from the river rushing down. I start hyperventilating from crying, my breath becoming more unsteady. My eyes shut close tightly in an attempt to stop crying. It does not help, all I can feel is the water running down my cheek, taking the shape of my cheek as gravity pulls it down. All I want to do right now is blast music through my headphones, shut my emotions off and the world or even go in the boxing ring and pick a fight with someone. They can beat me up and the emotional pain won't be as bad.

Physical pain, you can always take pain medication to numb it but emotional pain. Very few drugs numb it and sometimes the drugs can intensify the pain. Emotional pain is something you can not numb or run away from, you can distract yourself but it will come back ten times worst.

"Tiana, it is supper time. Where are you?" my bracelet asks in a worrying tone. I pick myself up. Close my eyes and telling myself...

Emotions make you weak. Turn it off. It will cost you success on this mission. Emotions are weak. I have to go numb, to succeed in this mission. Crying is for the weak.

Opening my eyes, roughly take the smooth part of my palm and remove the tear stains from my face. I close my eyes and internalize my emotions from pain into anger. It is so much easier to understand when it is anger. It does not hurt but is fuel that is understanding unlike pain.

I turn around on my heels as I take a big deep breath in, feeling an emptiness in my stomach. It felt like a pit of sand but without the grains of sand to make me feel that I had depth. I fix my hair into a neat bun and start walking towards Giana's dorm. Every step I take, I feel the pain go away as I walk away from the river. The pain turns to emptiness and the emptiness turns into anger and the anger. My eyes start to feel heavy after all the crying. I get to the main hall and see Anurak pulling Stefani by the waist closer to him. I look for Giana. Giving a disgusted look.

Should I pick a fight with Stefani? If she didn't hurt me, I wouldn't be in this mess. If I picka fight with her, will it fix the situation?

I start to think more rationally and not based on my emotions.

I spot Giana in the front; I make my way towards her. Passing people with my head down as I get to her.

"Hey, sorry I am late. I have to talk to you after supper," I state walking in the line. The line starts moving. She nods at me as she moves forward in the line. Everyone in the line looked like ants in line matching to collect food together. I feel Giana give my shoulder a reassuring squeeze as if she could read my mind on what happened.

I can not like Anurak. Amahle has to be wrong; she can only be wrong. Why would I like him? What personality traits does he have which I find attractive? I mean he is hot but his cockiness ruins it for me.