Until I Find You

Chapter 29: Protection of the past

Tiana

"Is the reason you are scared of commitment is because of Aryan?' Anurak asks as I take a seat on the grass, he takes me by surprise by his question. I cross my legs and watch the river flow. It is so peaceful and calming to watch nature.

"No, it was because of my parents. See before they had my little brother, they would fight, it always started verbally and then ended up in physical fighting. That left me learning a few lessons, but Aryan said he would wait for me, no matter how long it took me to recover and commit to him He said that in grade six, two years later, I said let me try and give him my heart. Just when I got used to calling him mine, he drops me like I am nothing. I was there when he went from Ariana to Aryan. The hormones and getting him ready for surgery. When he came out of surgery, I was there. Not Amber and he still decides to choose her over me . I am not angry at him, or hate him- I can never really hate him, I just miss him. How he use to be before grade ten. Maybe I miss his company and comfort from us being together for two years," I say trying not to cry but my eyes already start watering up. Anurak puts his hand on my thigh. I bite my lip, trying to redirect the pain.

"It will all be alright, give it time," he says as he gets up and leaves me to be in my thoughts. My thoughts of how I was always there for Aryan, but he caused me pain. I do not know if I am grieving him or a version of him who he made me see.

After a while, Anurak comes back with boba in his hands. He hands me one and sits by me. I give him a confused expression.

"Taeyong told me you like boba so I thought I might get some for you to feel better," he says as I take one boba from him and start sipping it. I internally smile to myself.

He was thinking about my feelings. Attractive.

"Thank you," I reply as he sits down next to me, he crosses his legs. For a few seconds, there was silence until he asks, "Why did you date Amahle?"

"I was trying to figure myself out, she was the only one that knew what it is like being straight but also gay. I knew I liked girls and boys, but I thought there was something wrong with me. Being in a strict household majority of the time you will be a parent pleaser and I have no idea how my parents would have reacted. I want to make my parents proud of me and happy, but I was trying to figure myself out and she was the only one that was there to help me. It was when she started dating a girl did, I realize that nothing is wrong with me, but some people portray dating the same sex as a horrifying and sinful thing when in reality, love is love. No one asks a straight couple, 'why they like each other,' or 'how could you like each other.' No one questions why they love each other. We do not get to choose who we love. We should love whoever we want without getting judged or having the fear of being judged. Love is something more than a chemical reaction and it took me a long time to figure that out. I always thought science had the answers, but it does not have the answers towards what love is, who we should love. Yes, science is factual and can be proven but science can not answer the questions in which the heart has. Only the heart has answers to those questions," I say as I face Anurak. He moves his top portion of his body closer to me.

"So, you do believe in soulmates," Anurak says as he leans in, and I do the same. His lips brush against mine. He gently puts his lips on mine. I pull away and see he has a shocked expression.

"We can not, you are with Stefani," I say as I stand up with the boba in my hand and leave. He can not kiss me and then expect me to kiss him back, he is with Stefani weather my heart likes it or not.

"Tiana, what if I told you, I am only smashing her and nothing else," Anurak says but I will not turn around for my pride and dignity.

"I am your enemy, Mr Lee, treat me like one and do not catch feelings, we have a match tomorrow," I say as I walk away. He needs to remember; we are both fighting for the top boxer, and he might have it today, I plan on getting it sometime in the future.

"We are not going against each other anymore, you know that," Anurak says, his voice sounding oddly close.

"Tiana, I only like you, you are the only girl that has seen the bad in me and does not flatter their eyelashes at me. You see me for me and not the typical hot bad boy even though I do not understand how you can not see me as hot," Anurak starts rumbling.

"Anurak, you probably say that to almost every girl you have smashed, made out with or even try to get with," I say walking just past the main hall. Anurak gets in front of me and pushes me against the wall. He puts his hands on the wall, trapping my head between them.

He leans towards me, making as little space between us to a minimum.

"I want you and only you. You're a lady to me and not a girl. I hated you in the beginning because I had these feelings for you. I get jealous when someone else is by you, when someone touches you, I get jealous and no one has ever made me jealous over them," Anurak says so vulnerably, you can see it in his eyes. I look down not wanting to see his eyes. His eyes will make me give in; I must stand my ground. He kissed me while having something with Stefani. She even calls him, her man.

"I like another," I lie, knowing I will get hurt when he moves on. I am hurting both of us in the process, but I can not like him. He hates me, he is supposed to hate me. If we hated each other, this would have been easier. If I hated him, I would hurt him and not feel guilty about what just left my mouth.

"You say you hate me, but your eyes say something else. Tiana, please give me a chance," Anurak says practically crying and begging.

"Anurak, you need to stop being silly, you just want me so you can say you have done all the girls you have set your eyes on," I snarl, hurting me more than him. He looks hurt, in pain. He looks away from me, before leaving me standing against the wall. The heat of his body is not protecting me from the small breeze.

Why did I lie? I could have had him? But he is toxic and will break my heart! But he looked so vulnerable! He could be playing me. But on the other hand, he looked in pain? He is probably good at acting that way to make girls believe him! But what if he just confessed to me and I ruined it because I refuse to listen to him? What if he says that to every girl?

I have an internal battle with myself while Anurak walks away. Leaving me to fight with my head and my heart.