Until I Find You

Chapter 21: Crying

Tiana

I jolt away, my heart beating so loud, it feels like it will jump out of my chest. I can hear my heart beating in my ears. I turn my torso to look at my pillow; only to find the pillow soaked from the tears running down my eyes. My cheeks have tear stains on them.

It was just a dream, nothing more. Nothing more than just a dream. Breathe. It was just a dream. Breathe. Calm down, it was a dream.

I sit up straight, straightening my back. I start having a flashback of yesterday's conversation with Amahle. The tears start rolling down from the memory. "Dreams are what the heart wants, and you can not outrun dreams because it is the subconscious mind telling you something," states Jesica's generous voice goes through my head. I remember her saying that when Giana and I took our course. Giana had a dream about a guy she liked. She described the dream, but it seemed like she was more scared of the guy than in love with him. That night she woke up crying, it had woken me up because I was just about to go to sleep. She taught us how to work together. How to handle killing someone. Even the dreams and the trauma after killing someone, she gave us advice on. How to handle the consciousness of killing someone bad, how not to trust anyone. She was our mentor when we first went into the agency.

My tears start falling from the chest pain. I move the palms of my hand to my cheeks covering my face. The whole memory starts playing in my head again. I start to lose control of my tears halfway through the memory. I begin starting to gasp for air, I start releasing painful cries of pain starts leaving my mouth. Someone bursts into my room, I can not see straight from my eyes being filled with water from my sobbing.

They put their arms around me and start rubbing my back. They move their hand to my head, making my head leaning against their lower shoulder towards their chest. The anatomy of the body feels like a male body and is built. I do not want to assume their gender, but the anatomy feels like a male.

Why am I so weak, after breakups? Why does it hurt even if it wasn't my fault?

"I-I-I'm-" I try to start saying but I am immediately cut off. I feel calm in this person's hands.

"Shhh, there, there. Why don't you calm down first and then you can tell me what happened?" the person says in a calming tone. They move their hand from my head to my back. Rubbing my back in a discoid shape. "Inhale, hold, exhale, hold, inhale..." the person whispers ever so slightly and gently in my ears. I begin to concentrate on my breath.

Inhale

Hold

Exhale

Hold

Inhale

Hold

Exhale

I do not know why the dream is affecting me or the breakup. I am a spy and should be able to control my own emotions. I shouldn't be affected by emotions. Maybe I need to talk to the agency to send me a pill which can remove emotions for seventy-eight hours.

I start feeling calmer as I feel in control of my breathing. I try to put my hands on their chest to push them away, but I am doing a terrible job. They pull me closer to them, and starts speaking in a hushed tone, "Hey, everything is going to be alright, just tell me what happened."

"Amahle broke up with me," I spit out in a whisper. The person is quite for a few seconds.

"Everything will be alright, all that means is that she was probably using you," they let out a breath, their voice is familiar but I am too busy taking in their words to differentiate the person from their voice, "You will find someone that will love you for who you are, who you were and who you will become," a voice so gentle comments like they were talking to a baby. I try to hug the person back as my tears run dry. They tense up as I try to hug them back, but they never push me away. It takes a little while for them to start to relax as my fingers link together behind their back. Making it known I was hugging them back. I pull away to see who it was, and it was Anurak. Shock takes over me.