Things I Can't (Larry Stylinson)

Things I Can

Dear Diary,

It's been awhile, hasn't it? How long exactly?

The last entry is dated back at least five months. That's a long time, isn't it?

A lot has happened in the last five months since my last entry.

Like we had predicted, people still shot us hate and jokes, but that's old news to us. It rarely takes our notice because the fans squash every ounce of hate sent our way.

When we go out in public, together or separately, we're swarmed by paparazzi. It's like a typical day when we do, just the questions fired at us are more towards our relationship.

Besides the hate and paparazzi, life has never been better.

Louis and I can actually go out and be with each other. We can hold hands in public and talk to each other without restrictions.

We've been signed up for many interviews since the twitcam. Every news media wanted to get their share on us.

We could answer every question, no limits were set on what we could say. We were together for it as well.

Since we're on break from tour, all the guys and I have been writing music for the upcoming album. Now that Louis and I are together publicly, we can write about us more freely now. No needing to drop little hints like before.

The next album is coming along nicely. I've already noticed a few lyrics that the fans will love to hear lyric changes to. I'm mentally preparing myself for them.

With a new album coming out, that means a new tour will be announced. That in turn means more freedom on stage. I can interact with Louis and do my lyrics changes without whispering/murmuring them.

All in all, we can finally be ourselves. We don't have to worry about messing up or revealing anything (even if it were the truth). The nerves that came with it were long gone.

What's happening right now? Louis, Niall, and I are in our apartment writing another song for the album. Niall brought along his guitar and we have a keyboard Louis likes to play every so often.

They're figuring out a rhythm to follow for lyrics right now while I write in you. You can say I'm taking a little break.

Yesterday was the day I found you again, I'll be honest. I set you off to the side on my dresser to focus on writing and interviews. Everything was hectic still but it's calmed down a lot.

I got lost in the freedom I was suddenly given. I didn't feel frustrated from things that had restricted us before so I didn't feel the need to jot my thoughts down. I didn't need an escape.

When I found you, Louis and I read through every single entry. Beside the short jokes I made about him that he didn't like, he said it was memorable. He liked it.

I told you I would show him that it was worth the money. Looking back through it last night with him and reflecting on those days and then comparing them to now, I could tell you it was a good use of my money. It's a part of our history and the journey we made to get to our happiness.

As I sit here and reflect on these past entries while they figure out the tone, I realized that most of the things are labeled as "things I can't". Also, in the last entry I said this would end with a happy ending: our happy ending.

It seems most of the things listed in here are negative and I want this to end happily. Instead of listing all the things I couldn't, I'll list all the things I can.

Are you up for a plot twist? You better get ready!

Things I Can:
#1- Stand next to Louis during a photo shoot

#2- Sit by Louis in an interview

#3- Remember the good ol' days with Louis in music videos with pictures

#4- Stand by Louis in a video

#5- Stand fans fighting with each other over small things

#6- Ride in the same car as Louis leaving the airport

#7- Look at Louis while I sing

#8- Get tattoos with Louis

#9- Tell people about Louis and I

#10- Stand management letting us tweet for ourselves

#11- Interact with Louis in fan photos

#12- Interact with Louis on stage

#13- Stand not interacting with Louis on stage because I can freely do it now

#14- Change song lyrics

#15- Stand not needing to ask for permission to interact with Louis

#16- Hug/Hold hands with Louis in public

#17- Sit by Louis at an award show

#18- Hold hands with Louis inside

#19- Date who I want

#20- Understand people won't support us

#21- Make my own holiday plans

#22- Stand knowing I can't cause Louis pain from 'beards' anymore

#23- Kiss Louis for News Years

#24- Announce anything without management's consent about us

#25- Believe what Louis had done at the BRIT Awards

#26- Believe Elounor 'broke up'

#27- Believe Modest let us free

#28- Believe we're finally free

#29- Understand some fans won't support us anymore

#30- Never doubt the fans

Every negative turned into a positive. Don't you believe that suits the definition of a happy ending?

I got a little emotional writing those all down. It felt like I went through every event again. It felt like I retook the journey and found my happiness again.

But as every journey, it must come to an end. And it seems this one is coming to a close. I'm running out room to write on the last page.

It was one heck of a journey. If I had to describe it, it was one filled with emotions for the most part. The hardships Louis and I endured helped make us stronger. And when we needed the fans for the big moment, they stood by us.

It's a journey I'll never forget and I'm sure no one else will either. I wouldn't want to, it was a part of us. It helped us get to our happy ending.

Have we done it? Have we actually found our happy ending?

Watching Louis swat at Niall's hands as they try to play with keyboard, looking to the stacks of lyric sheets on the table, to the framed pictures of Louis and I on the wall, I concluded we did.

We got our happy ending.

Things I Can:
#31- Be myself

Love,
H. xx