You know Demi Lovato right? You've probably heard of her sisters Madison and Dallas yeah? Well I'm the forgotten Lovato sister. Emily Lovato is my name and this is my life....
*** Trigger warning ***
I woke up in someone's arms already feeling the weight of depression on my chest. It seemed to be heavier and worse than normal today. This is how I'm feeling before schools started? God give me fucking strength to live through this shit when I'm back in school. I looked up to see a sleepy Dallas and lay for a minute before gently untangling myself from her grip, trying not to wake her up. I ran downstairs praying that Demi wasn't gone and it was all just a dream but the only people I saw downstairs was Maddie playing something on her phone and Marissa surprisingly. Marissa jumped up out of her chair and opened her arms as I threw myself into them. I hadn't seen Marissa in so long and even though she's Demi's best friend she's more like a sister to me.
"Hey princess, how are you?" She asked stroking my hair
"Good." I lied as I inhaled her scent. I know it's weird but she always smells amazing
"Hey Em." Maddie said when I let go of Marissa. I couldn't resist and I pulled her into a hug as well.
"Morning Mads."
"Mom and Dad are working. Dal and Marissa are coming to my audition do you want to come?" She asked. I released myself from the hug and avoided eye contact not wanting to hurt her feelings as I rejected her offer.
"Sorry Mads, I don't feel too good."
"It's fine maybe the next one." She sighed.
"I'm sorry" I repeated as I kissed her head. She nodded before getting up and walking to the bottom of the stairs,
"Dallas come on we're gonna be late!! Marissa's already here!!" Maddie shouted as Dallas came running down the stairs disorientated and clearly not ready for the day.
"Bye baby girl, we'll be home soon." Dallas kissed my head and ran out the door with Mads and Marissa, all of them jumping into Marissa's car. I watched through the window as the car disappeared into the distance. My phone vibrated and I pulled it out of my pocket to see a series of texts I had received through the night. I knew it would be some of the horrors from school. They had left me alone for too long,
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I checked twitter wondering how they knew Demi had left. In my feed I saw a tweet from Demi
@ddlovato: Guys I'm at the Barclays Centre in Brooklyn at 8 pm this Friday, come along and say hi!! 💗
Just like that. She left just like that. No goodbye, no apologies, proving once again she truly doesn't care about me. No one cares about me. They're right. I hurled my phone off the couch and tears started running down my face. She left me. She left me again. After promising she wouldn't. She hates me and I don't blame her.
(triggering) I felt like something was tightening around my heart and lungs as I found it hard to breathe. I had ran out of tears and felt emotionless. I hate me. I fucking hate my life. Why me? Why do I constantly feel like this? I can't go back to school. I trudged up the stairs as the demons inside my head led me straight to the bathroom where the blade lay awaiting me. Screaming on me to pick it up, in a trance I did. I laid it lightly on my wrist thinking deeply about this decision. I could kill myself. Right here, right now. I don't see any reason why I shouldn't.
No one will know
No one would care
go on!! Just once, you know you want to
My demons screamed inside my head. I gave in and slid the blade across my wrist just once. twice... uncountable times. When my demons fell silent I walked back to my room and got a belt from my drawer. I tied the belt loosely to my ceiling fan and quickly walked to my desk opening the drawer and taking a note I had already written. It read :
Dear family,
I love you, don't think I didn't. I just can't handle the pressure of life anymore, this is the best way to end the pain. I'm sorry if I've disappointed you I just don't want to live this life any longer. I love you all so much, too much in fact. This part hurts me the most, leaving you guys is the hardest part but the demons inside my head are too convincing. Tell the haters and bullies in school that they got what they wanted and I hope they're happy. Tell Max I love him and I don't want any of you to blame yourself for this. I love you.
Emily
I sat down on the chair, leaning on the desk with my head in my hands going back and forth between doing this. I could hurt people with this but my pain would stop. I wouldn't have to watch them go through the pain because I wouldn't be here anymore to see it. It's not like anyone needs me anyway, I'm just a waste of a life. A disappointment to my family. I convinced myself that no one would care too much if I was gone and it was better this way. I stood up in a trance and dragged the chair over, sitting it directly underneath the fan with the belt hanging from it. I took a deep breath and pushed myself onto the chair, placing the belt around my neck. I stood numb, tears burning my red-rimmed eyes as I took another deep breath feeling how tight the leather belt was around my neck. All I have to do is jump. Then it'll all be over.
