There For You {Back For You - Prequel}

19 - She Was So Beautiful

AN - Guys, I don't even know what to say to you guys. You are the loveliest people I have ever had the privilage to talk to. You have all been so, so supportive of me, and the lovely messages I got on the AN I posted on Monday literally made me cry because you are so fucking lovely to me, and so supportive and understanding, and I am so, so thankful for that. Thank you so much.

Just for a quick re-cap, I am going to continue updating on Mondays, but at some point in February I am going to take a two-week Hiatus, probably around the time when I start whatever treatment they're going to give me. But if for some reason I am too tired on a Monday before i start my hiatus (I mean, come on, its MONDAY for christsake) I will just update later in that same week.

Anywhoooooooo, I just want to thank you guys again because you are so lovely and supportive and literally, you make me feel so much more at ease about the upcoming month or two, when I don't really know what's going to be happening. So, again, thank you so much.

I hope you like this chapter, it feels a bit filler-ish (as like, the past 4 chapters have been) but its building up to when it properly gets going, haha OMG OKAY ALSO PLSPLSPLS DONT HATE ON DAISY HER CHARACTER IS MY PRIDE AND JOY I LOVE HER

I love you all, my sweetums!!! xoxoxoxoxoxo

You might have never experienced this feeling, but the easiest way to explain it is that you are in a swimming pool, and you are trying to do a forwards roll in the water - but halfway round you forget which way is up, and when you try to swim to the surface, you can’t find it.

You struggle and you can feel your hands scraping against the bottom of the pool, but by this point your head is such a tangle that it doesn’t occur to you, to turn top to toe, and swim the other direction.

If you’re lucky, the friend you are swimming with will help you, but if you are one of those souls who is always swimming alone, you struggle and just hope that a lifeguard will notice the thrashing beneath the water, and save you.

Some people are lucky, but, as in all stories about depression, some people drown.

That’s the easiest way to describe it, and it’s the way Louis scratches into a piece of paper in a desperate attempt to avoid cutting.

He had heard somewhere, probable a Personal Development class in school where the teachers pretend they know shit about depression, that it’s better to write down his feelings, because then it’s a release, and he won’t want to cut anymore. It doesn’t work. That’s the proof that the teachers don’t know shit, because if they did Louis wouldn’t be screwing up the paper and reaching for his blade.

It’s the same, every day, and he never knows how to stop it. How to put an end to it. How to be a different person, so that he will no longer deserve it.

Because, obviously he deserves it, right?

Fuck, if he didn’t deserve it then he wouldn’t be so annoying; and he would be interesting and funny; he wouldn’t drive people away; he wouldn’t be gay; he wouldn’t be ugly; he wouldn’t be fat; he would be enough – enough for Stan, for Derek, for his Mum, for his sisters, for Niall and Liam and Daisy, for Harry, for himself.

But, he’s not enough – so of course he deserves it.

And this is what Louis sobs as he cuts into his thigh at eight in the morning on Tuesday, as he waits for Daisy to come to his house, so that they could walk to school together.

~-~

“It’s like something Mr Shaw would wear on a mufti-day.” Daisy giggled, showing Louis a photo of Katie Price dressed as a pink pony.