The rise and fall of an Idol Producer

Chapter 1- Just the beginning

"I looked at the sky and the tears started flowing, bitter-sweet. I was at the top but still I feel like I lost"

We started at young age. We signed away to our dream. Working hard day in and out and doubts that never left us. My body couldn't take the pressure long. I haven't eaten for a long time and my powers left me. I get dizzy daily but I fight the blackout. This was everything I wanted and how could I throw away all this because of my scarcity. Millions dream of this chance. Become an entertainer, artist, actor, model and you name it all. Stars that shine so bright in the sky and seems so far away at the same time. I wanted to be them, be like them, join the eternity of the light they shine on us. Little did I know about the dark side they just hide.

My mind was filled with all the possible things that could happen. I couldn't allow myself to slack off. This industry is cruel but I wanted to be at the top. I know that most of them are more talented than me, singers descended from heaven, rappers who were fierce and dancers that could compete with the fallen stars. Centre stage, at least one time let me be there, hear them cheer, hear them sing my song... I am willing to pay the price.

Looking back I was possibly very naïve about how this dream will work out and how I am going to reach the top. I got isolated from my family and friends who never supported me in my dreams. I spend every breath on reaching this very moment. Stupid little kid. I was just not noticing where this all led. This is the story of a producer, an artist who made it to the top but indeed felt like she failed in life overall... It is my story.

This industry never presents you people that could be your friends and if you had found a lost soul like yours this friendship probably didn't last long. I heard about this two idols that knew each other from school. They became best friends but ended up debuting with different companies who didn't approve their friendship. Even at award shows you can see the longing eyes of both, they wanted to talk but couldn't. Instead they just walked past each other without saying hello. One of them started to change. Making headlines each day about driving drunk, taking drugs and being involved with different women. His reputation got pulled through the mud although the media took things out of context and blew the stories up. The reality was that he never even left the house and that he suffered from major anxiety, depression and social phobia. He was lonely and couldn't ask for help because there was no one and this is a topic which is frowned upon in Korea. He ended up taking the quick exit and ending this sorrow himself. His former friend was not allowed to attend the funeral and still do this day he regrets it. I met him a few years after this happened and I asked him for some wise words. It was just him and I in the studio and he looked at me for a long time and he finally said: "Do not let them take your spirit of life". As he said that tears started falling from the corner of his eyes. I took a deep breath but it hurt... these words just hurt. His face showed the battle scars he collected and the one near his eyes were from his regrets not being there for his best friend when he needed him the most. Tears started building a stream and falling from his chin. It took him a while to stop the tears or he just ran out of tears. He apologized for it and I assured him that he does not has to be sorry. For what seemed like an eternity there was a silence. Taking all my courage together I wanted to say some words to him, help him although he was a senior in this industry.

"Sir... Can I say something to you...Some words.. Being honest?", I asked with a very shaky voice.

Wiping away the last tears he mustered me and nodded.

I took a deep breath and said: "We start to regret our life decisions after it's too late. We judge ourselves way too hard. In the loneliest moments we feel like this is all just too much but at the end of the night the sun rises. We remind ourselves why we started. I know that you live in the past and the scars are still fresh from what happened. You can probably find peace in doing one thing."