Can I stay? (Gerard Way x Reader)

Not what I expected (18)

TW-SELF HARM

I climb the steps and walk onto the stage and into the bright red light. Gerard looks at me and smiles and I feel my cheeks blush. I am so happy and excited I feel like I'm going to burst.

Although my heart sinks as my worst nightmares come true. The crowd starts to boo and scream trying to get me offstage. People are spitting at me and throwing water and other items and I never thought people would be so disrespectful. I feel tears start to form in my eyes but I'm not breaking today. Well not again..

Ray starts to play the music but the crowd won't shut up all I can hear are the screams of people who hate me.

"You don't belong here, f*cking mess"
"Get off now we don't want you"
"Who the f*ck is this chic"

Gerard looks furious and he gestures madly to the rest of the band. I know it's not true but my mind likes to play games with me and all I can think about is that Gerard is probably angry at me.  Tears start rolling down my cheek but because of the lights nobody can see which I am thankful for.

That's when someone throws a full water bottle at my head and I duck as fast as I can so it doesn't hit me. My heart is beating so fast as I try and remember how to play dodgeball well.      

"Hey Guys, what is your problem?Y/N is here to make our music better" Mikey screams looking annoyed as well. All the guys look at me and I freeze. I can't speak my voice has left me and I don't know what to do.

Another object flies towards my face this time and when I see that it is a pair of scissors I internally scream. Ray looks around in panic and one of the security guards takes me offstage for safety reasons. Maybe today is not the day I achieve my dream then..

I am taken back to the tour busses as there was no assured protection at the arena. I can't explain how lonely it feels to be on an empty tour bus. Alone.

I try to relax but my brain can't get their words out of my head. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do. What do I do?

It gets to a point where I can't take it any more. I could go and talk to someone in the other bus but how would I explain the stupid emotions I am feeling.

I feel myself losing control and slipping into past habits I thought I could forget about.

I go into the small bathroom and take out my blade. The blade I have always had in times like these. I need to get rid of this pain I am feeling emotionally. I need someone to understand. I don't have words.

This pain is so deep  I can't control it. But I can control physical pain. I reply these words in my head and the words people screamed at the concert.

I grip my blade with my hand. Here we go again..