Can I stay? (Gerard Way x Reader)

He didn't tell me?! (49)

TW - Self Harm

I go inside the kitchen and Ray is already there sitting at the table tapping his fingers on the wood. He tells me to shut the door which I do because I trust him and I know that if he thinks this should be private, it should be private. I go over and sit opposite him and for the first time today he looks me in the eyes. 

"Talk to me" I say as gentle as I can because I want to be here for him not demanding. 

"Look before I explain, I know this is going to really hurt your feelings and I want to aplogise in advance. All the other guys know and none of us wanted to explain it to you because none of us wanted to see you upset. I offered to do it because as your friend I think you should know the truth. It's about Gerard" Ray says nervously his voice shaking at certain points.

I take a deep breath and try to calm down because what he just said has turned my mind into a jumbled mess. "Go ahead" Y.

"I've known Gerard for years and I can tell when he is a little off. I went in his room just now and I found the exact thing I was dreading. Look I know he promised you he would tell you if his mental health was bad but I don't think he is keeping that promise. I found a massive bottle of antidepressants under the floorboards and a lot of the pills were missing. Think about it he has worn long sleeve jumpers and hoodies when it is super warm outside for like the last week and I found a blade in the shower."

My mind starts racing, why didn't he tell me. "What about last night, we..uh hoocked up and he didn't have a shirt on. There were no obvious marks and he didn't seem in pain." I say trying to convince myself that he's fine.

"I also found this bottle of skin paint under the sink and there were red marks in your bed, did you not see them?" R~

"Yeah I saw them but he said it was fake blood and eyeshadow not actual blood. If he is in so much pain why is he still acting like everything is fine?"Y

"I don't know, maybe to because he really does love you and didn't want you to be upset" R

"So how do you know, has he said anything to you about how he has been feeling" Y

"No I've just noticed a lot of signs and Mikey and Frank have agreed but nobody has asked him about it because we thought you should know first" R

"Holy shit, so what do we do" Y

"Honestly I have no idea" R

My mind is racing and adrenalie and anxiety seep through me. I sit there frozen and I can feel my own arms stinging at the thought of Gee holding a blade. I don't know wether to be angry or concerned but right now I am feeling all of it. I can't believe he didn't tell me. I'm useless that's why my brain starts going down the negative spiral. He didn't tell you beause you are useless and you couldn't have helped him anyway. He probably doesn't even love you anymore. Somewhere in the back of my head I know my brain is telling lies but I can't control it and it won't stop. 

The sadness bubbles away and anger fills up my whole body. How dare he lie about how I was speical and about how I helped him. How dare he hide this from me. My heart is pounding i my chest and all of a sudden I can't take it anymore. 

I get up and storm out of the kitchen the rush from the moment spurring me on. Ray follows after me but he seems a little shocked  that I have reacted so badly. My eyes are streaming with tears and my brain is still telling me I'm useless and I feel like I'm going to explode.

I enter the garden and everyone looks at me shocked and worried. In fact out of all of them Frank looks the most concerned as he makes a load of signals to Ray, to which Ray replies.

My confidence falters a little when I see them all out there. I stand there shivering and sobbing clenching my fists trying not to explode. "Why didn't you tell me" I scream making my throat burn and even more tears roll down my face. 

Mikey runs over to give me a hug but I push him away. Why would anyone want me anymore. I'm a scum who can't help anyone"

Gerard just stands there bewildered and looking a little confused but I know he knows what's going on. He remains silent and I can't take it anymore.

I walk straight up to him look him dead in the eyes and reach for his arm. Without thinking I pull up his sleeve and I don't look at first because I'm afraid of what I'll see. But then I bring myself to look down and see that I have failed. I am a useless human after all , hell I can't even stop my own boyfriend from hurting himself.

Bloody red scars stare back at me and I get so mad I can't take it. I just scream