Can I stay? (Gerard Way x Reader)

Hide it, don't seem weak (28)

I swing my legs over and climb down from my bed. I'm racking my brain trying to think of ways to gain energy quickly.. Eat cake ( I would but not for breakfeast), dunk head in ice cold water (no thanks) or ..COFFEE!

I never realised how much coffee could help in a time like this so I practically run to the machine. I turn it on impatiently collapsing on a sofa seat while I wait. I can't stop myself from yawning but if my body is so tired why couldn't I sleep? I make the coffee the strongest I can and trudge to the bathroom where I force myself to have an ice cold shower. There are massive bags under my eyes but I apply concealer so no one will notice.

The voice in the back of my head starts to whisper things in my ear but it isn't demanding just idk convincing. It keeps saying things like Hide, don't show them you couldn't sleep. It proves how weak you are. Nobody wants a weak band member. They'll kick you out like they should've done years ago. Trash.

I take a deep breath and ignore them but I can't help doing what they say. I gulp down the rest of my coffee and stare at my reflection in the mirror. I look okay so I leave the bathroom and head back over to my bunk to find my socks. Today is the same structure as yesterday except in a different town. Interview, show, meet and greet. I kind of like the regular routine because it fits well with the loose lifestyle we have.

---------------------------------------sort of a time skip----------------------------------------------------------

The rest of the day goes past in a blur. I can't count how many cups of coffee I have had today but because Gerard drinks so many I guess nobody has really noticed. I've been trying to assure myself that maybe I was just anxious last night and that I will sleep amazing tonight because I am so freaking tired.

I helped some girls who were suffering from depression. We had a chat and I told them some of my own advice, not that I'm a specialist or anything. It was really nice to see them opening up and being so genine with me.

We are all back on the bus and most people are asleep but I am just finishing in th bathroom, pulling on some old pyjamas. The scars on my arms have faded a little now and it makes me smile because I'm used to being met with ruby red cuts and blood.

I climb in bed quietly so that nobody else wakes up. It is quite funny to hear the other guys sleeping though. Ray is so quiet you wouldn't know he existed but Frank snores like a warthog. Everyone teases him for it but it's only a joke so he doesn't mind. I lay back and close my eyes but to my horror .. nothing

I lie awake for ages at this point I'm getting desperate. Nope. Nothing. I sit up and read a few chapters of the book I've got in my side net thing. Then I lay back down and shut my eyes so hard they hurt.

Two minutes later my alarm clock goes off

---------------------------------quite a big time skip------------------------------------

It's been 4 days now, I can't believe my body is still going. I have gotten used to it a bit more now and coffee is my new best friend although it is getting harder to hide it from the guys. Multiple times Ray has looked at me concerned but I just brush it off and try to act normal. 

We are about to go onstage and while everyone else is feeling buzzed with excitement I can't stop yawning. When I dreamed of being onstage I didn't dream of being so exhausted that I can't even stand up. 

We head out and the first few songs are alright but then I feel my head begin to spin. I grab my water bottle and take a gulp hoping it will help me but it just makes me feel sick. Mikey looks over at me in concern but as we are halfway through a song he doesnt say anything which is understandable. 

My legs feel shaky all of a sudden and my eyes droop a little. It's like all the sleep I have been missing hits me like a truck and I feel like it's gonna kill me. My legs burn from only standing and my arms hand lifelessley by my sides. everything is blurry, like a haze, the music, the lights. Somebody help. My voice has deserted me. 

Then I feel myself falling down but someone catches me before I hit the ground. All the music stops and I can hear people yelling. Then I blackout.