All I Have To Give

Falling To Pieces

"For real AJ, tell me! I told you mine!"

"Nope." He crossed his arms over his chest.

I jump up and go to fake strangle him "Tell me!!!"

"Choke me harder and I'll tell you.."

I stopped for a second in disbelief and it clicked..

"Oh my God."

He started laughing hysterically.

Howie jumped up out of the armchair he was sitting in "Well, that's enough of AJ's antics I can take for the night, I'll see you guys in the morning."

I said "Goodnight." and the guys followed behind as if it were some kind of roll call..

Brian called out from the kitchen "Night, Howie".

"Night, Howard." Nick got up and took his seat.

"Night, D." AJ said.

Kevin had already made his exit, he had somewhat of an early morning planned tomorrow. His girlfriend was coming to stay with him for a few days while on tour.

After a while, one by one the guys retired to their own rooms until it was just me and AJ..

I got up from the couch and stretched, ready to hit the hay. 

"Ya know, you can just spend the night over here and save your legs the trouble." He smirked and softly grabbed me by my waist.

"Hmm, sounds too good to be true.."

"Does it now?" He pulled me into a kiss and said ".. but I completely understand if you wanna sleep in your own bed tonight."

"Maybe tomorrow, aje.." I kissed his cheek.

He chuckled "Fair enough, babe, have a goodnight."

"You too."

**********

While in bed, I ruminate over a conversation the two of us had only a year ago..

"You can tell me anything, I promise.." AJ looked at me with deep concern.

I placed my face into my hands and just sat there until I could form the right words. "I wish I could tell you, I really do, but I don't know how."

He pulled me into his arms "Just try. I'm all ears, for anything.. Big or small, I'm gonna listen to you."

I nodded. "I just.. I feel like, I'm losing control over everything around me and I don't know how to stop it."

I was starting to have feelings for AJ and I didn't know how to tell him.. He had been one of my best friends for the longest time and I couldn't even tell him my biggest secret. That whole entire summer I was sick with the guilt of holding onto my feelings for so long, I figured they were going to disappear if I kept them bottled up long enough. To no surprise, they didn't..

I spent the whole summer pining after someone I thought would never love me more than as a friend, or worse like a sister. I felt like my life was falling to pieces right before my eyes and I couldn't turn to anyone to help me piece it back together. Eventually I did tell him how I felt and for months after I wished I hadn't.. It felt strange, like I lost him for good as a friend.

We didn't speak as often and we didn't see each other as often as before with all the touring. After avoiding each other for months he'd called me up at 3 am, but got off the phone quickly when he realized he couldn't say any of this without being face to face.

Two weeks later I was on a plane to Munich with Kevin's girlfriend Kristin, for nearly half of the 10+ hour ride I was freaking out. What did he have to tell me that was so important? I tried to not get my hopes up, but Kristin assured that what I was worried about was going to be okay, till this day I'm grateful for how she comforted me, a complete stranger to her at the time.

As soon as the two of us arrived at the airport we were transported to the hotel that the guys were staying at for the night. While the guys were still in rehearsals we entertained ourselves by talking about future plans, Kristin was the first person I ever told about how I really felt about AJ and what I hoped to happen. No matter how far fetched it seemed then she cheered me on.

The guys arrived and we had a small reunion gathering before Kev and Kris disappeared for the rest of the night. AJ had been trying to talk to me all night, but I had decided to avoid him, I wasn't ready to have this conversation. Towards the end of the night he did corner me in the kitchen.

"You've been avoiding me all night." He crossed his arms across his chest, a favorite stance of his. 

I tried to blow that statement off, but he already knew that I knew he was right. We excused ourselves from the ongoing festivities to go talk somewhere private. I followed him outside, as he led us to the closed commons center the hotel offered, AJ swiped his room card and opened the door for me.

I asked "Are we supposed be out here right now?"

"Yeah. As long as we don't get caught."

We walked further through the dark until he turned on a nearby lamp that provided enough light for us to in front of each other.

I sighed "So.. What did you want to tell me?"

He smirked in the dark "Oh, now you wanna talk?"

I just gave him a look.. 

"Okay, okay down tiger.. I wanted to say that-" he paused for a few seconds "I-, um.. Ever since you told me how you felt about me, I didn't know how to process what that would mean for us and I couldn't acknowledge how I felt when you told me. All I tried to do was damage control and make sure we'd stay the same, but all I did was create distance and ignore both of our feelings.. I didn't know how to tell you that I fell in love with you the very first time I looked into your eyes. Or the first time I saw you smile.. For so long I figured I'd get over it and I never did, I just ignored it. Ever since we became best friends I accepted that as far as our relationship would go.. What I couldn't say then or over the phone two weeks ago is that.. I love you."

**********

It took some getting used to and a lot of trust, but we started dating a couple weeks after that night and it's been a wrap since then. 

I figured he'd still be awake by now, so I decided to get out of bed and head down the hall to his room. As I stood in the hall I debated on whether or not to actually knock on his door this late, I rewrapped myself up in my blanket and knocked two times. I heard some rustling from behind the door and waited until he opened it.

"Hey, what are you doing out here, babe? Come on and get in bed." He moved out the way and let me in.

As I walked on in, I headed towards his bedroom, he asked "Couldn't sleep?"

I shook my head "Just wanted spend the night with you baby."

"Awe, come here." AJ pulled me into a hug and kissed my forehead "I love you".

I snuggled closer "I love you too."