All I Have To Give

Breakdown (4:44)

I still can't believe it.. 

It's only been one day since he's called and said he needed space, well it wasn't those words exactly. Just something around the lines of, "I care for you, but I don't love you". It was a punch to the gut and I'm not sure how long it's going to take to get over him.

How else could I respond? I just pretended to feel the exact same way! I pretended that all of the time we spent together, all of the moments we shared.. Were nothing, but a seasonally fling. When in reality I was gutted, stripped of the one thing I held dear to my heart. I'd foolishly let him into my world and now I'm left with nothing, but distorted memories.

 *****

Over the next few weeks, I'd been completely nonchalant to the whole affair.. I'd started to go out with friends and party the night and early morning away. Still nothing really filled the void that formed when Brian left. I can only imagine just how easy it is for him right now, just to perform and party like nothing ever happened between us.. I'd do anything to prove that I'm over him and yet I still don't know if I'm doing it right.

Do I go out more? Or stay in and forge meaningful conversations with my friends?

Whatever it is, what I'm doing now seems to be working just fine. No one can tell that my heart hasn't fully recovered from the break up or that I'm just slowly dying inside. I guess my disguise is better than I thought it was.. At this point I'm not sure if that's a good thing. My friend's may ask how I'm adjusting to all of the changes in my life and I lie convincingly with a laugh and a warm smile when all I want to do is crawl into my bed for six months. Why would I tell anyone that I'm just slowly losing my mind over him.. No one knows that when the mask comes off and I turn out the lights, I breakdown and cry.

Who needs to know that I'm suffering over Brian of all people? 

Who needs to know..

 *****

It's been around a month now and I still don't know what to do when the one person you're truly devoted to, just out of the blue stops loving you.. Brian didn't even seem to notice the pain in my eyes when I'd last seen him. I wear this happy persona for everyone, but him. I'm just not sure what do right now. The rejection.. I can't bear to think about.

I'm clinging to what little pride I have left.. 

Many times I almost drunk called him just to lash out and give him a piece of my mind and other times I just wanted to hold out for his return even though I knew..

 He wouldn't come back to me.  

________________

brief A/N:

Hey!! I'm not sure if anyone's noticed, but "The Roof", "Babydoll" and this new part "Breakdown" are all references to Mariah Carey's Butterfly album 👀 (one of my favs)..

Anywayy, hope you enjoyed!

Much Love,

-AJ