Even After All This Time (Tayley)

Chapter 33: It's not a dream anymore

Warning, could be triggering. Read at your own risk

Hayley's POV

Zac opened the door to the room he shared with Josh slowly, unsure what Taylor was going to do. I tried to hold Taylor back, and convince him to just go back to our room but he refused to listen.

Zac called for Josh as he opened the door but there was no response. We all walked in the room slowly, confused why Josh wouldn't respond to his brother.

And that's when we understood why. There was a trail of blood down the hallway, from the bathroom into the bedroom area.

Zac and Taylor walked in front of me, trying to block me from seeing what was awaiting us. It didn't help, I could clearly see it. A body hanging from the ceiling fan, spinning in lifeless circles. It was Josh. One of my best friends, someone I've grown up with and loved.

I dropped. My legs collapsed from underneath me, and I sat on my knees and cried for what felt like hours. Police came and went, the crew came, calls were made to family, others cried and stopped, but I couldn't stop. There were so many feelings that I needed to get out, and the only way I could do it was to cry them out of my system. Nobody tried to get me to stop, nor did they try to comfort me while I cried. At one point a box of tissues appeared in front of me, but that was it. I cried until the room became dark. I cried until his body was finally carried out of the room. I cried until plane tickets were bought to return home to Nashville. I cried until I ran out of tears. I cried until I got out my feelings, all the emotions that had been stuck inside me forever. My best friend was gone and I didn't know what to do.

Our plane landed at night in Nashville and we were greeted by family and friends who looked like they had been crying just as long as I had been. Nobody said a word to one another.

I spent days hidden away in my room with nobody to comfort me. I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't even say a word to my family. My mom made all my favorite foods and brought them up to me in order to show her support, and my sisters made me cards and hung them up in my room while I slept. They even got me a giant teddy bear that laid next to me on my bed. I didn't cry, well not that much. Mostly I thought. I thought about the past, the future, about Josh. About how it was my fault Josh committed suicide, how if I was nicer to him he probably would still be alive. I thought about how the band would most likely end now. I thought about how we were going to tell the fans about the situation. I thought about all the negative things people were going to say.

A few days later was the funeral. I went. I don't remember much of it, it was too much of a blur for me. I couldn't except that he was gone, I kept waiting for him to walk in the room. I couldn't comprehend that he was gone and I was never going to see him again.