Together Or Apart

52. Two Options

"Now you're scaring me and you haven't even said anything."

"Last night was the first night I didn't go out drinking. I took the girls out for dinner and then I came home. Everything was fine until the girls went to bed. That's when I started pacing around the house and the anxiety inside of me began to grow. I felt lonely. I went into the alcohol cupboard and I got out the scotch. I was about to pour myself a glass when my Mum called me. I was mad at myself that I had become this person. I was going to drink alcohol and get drunk while my girls were upstairs. That's not a good father. I spoke to Mum on the phone for hours until eventually I fell asleep on the phone to her."

"I'm glad that she was there for you and helped you through the situation." 

I used to be that person for him, but I can't be anymore. I am happy that Harry was able to find comfort in Anne. She has always been there for him too, but it gets a little harder when he is on the other side of the world. He doesn't tell her about the negative things often because it makes her worry about him. 

"She said to me that she wishes she was with me so that she could give me a big hug and make sure I am alright. That's what she would always do. When I was young, it sounds so cheesy but Mum's hugs were like magic. I always felt better."

I smile at the memories that I have of Harry when he was younger. Since I met him, he would always go to Anne whenever he was upset and then a few seconds later, he would become himself again. It was a feeling that I always wished I had with my own mother. I do love my Mum dearly, but I never had the connection with her that Harry has with Anne. 

"Then it reminded me of what my therapist said to me last week. He brought it up again this morning. He proposed two options to me. The first being rehab. Which is the option that scares me."

I don't want to hear option number two if that's what the first option is. What could be worse than rehab? Harry wouldn't be able to see the girls for months, depending on how long he is there for. Rehab often works best when you cut off contact with the outside world. 

"The second option is moving back home and being closer to my family. I moved to Australia for you and your happiness. I was always homesick but I never wanted to tell you because you were happy here with your family. And of course, I had you and the girls. We were family. However, since we broke up, I have only felt progressively more and more alone. Yes, I love spending time with the girls but when I am not with them, I have nobody. I'm homesick."

"You have friends here Harry. You go out with them all the time. That's who you get drunk with."

"Are they really my friends though? I don't mean this in a bad way, but when I am feeling down, they say to me, let's go get drunk. That's their solution to my problems and their own problems for that matter. Whereas people like James, Jeff and Ben - when I call them, they listen to me, offer me advice and they are truly there for me. Not to mention, my Mum, sister, dad and grandparents. I have my cousins, aunts and uncles. I am mentally not well at the moment Hailey and I don't want to go to rehab. I think that with my families support, I can get better. If I can't then I will go to rehab. But I am hoping it doesn't come to that."

I am lost for words and I don't know what to say. I do see where Harry is coming from. He is very close with his family and it would be hard being on the other side of the world. However, he has started a life here and you can't just easily pack up and leave. 

"I understand that you want to go back home, but what about the girls Harry? You will be a long way from them. London is in school now and she only gets school holidays once every 10 weeks."

"Her summer holiday are coming up though. It will make travelling easier."

"What about long-term Harry? You expect these girls to go from country to country every school holidays? It is going to be like tour all over again with you only being here part-time in their lives. When I fell pregnant with Sydney, you told me you would be present more. Not even a year ago, we had the conversation about giving these girls the most normal life as we can. That's why you stopped touring and came back here."