Together Or Apart

51. Trying To Be Civil

I enter the house at a little past 6 in the morning. The sun is beginning to rise and the crows are singing outside. It's strange that I am calling this place the house. It used to be my home. This was always my dream house and Harry brought it to be our family home. I used to be in awe of this place, but now I don't feel much of a connection to it at all. 

Every time I step through those doors, I feel an ache inside my chest. I am reminded of so much heartbreak that I have experienced here and the vibes just feel off completely. Harry and I have been trying so hard to co-parent, but it's getting really hard for me. I don't want it to be like this forever. Going home after the girls fall asleep and waking up early in the morning so that I can be here when they wake up. I have no choice though. It's either this or potentially not being able to see them at all. 

When I was in school, some of my friends came from split families. They would spend one week with their Mum and the other with their Dad. Or for my friend Sophie whose Mum had more custody, she would spend 12 nights with her Mum and 2 with her Dad each fortnight. She absolutely hated going between the two parent's because it would disrupt her routine and she never felt like she truly belonged at one place. 

I don't want my girls to feel like that. But I'm not naive, I know that they won't be young forever and soon they will click onto the fact that their parent's are not together anymore. 

While I am here with time to spare before the girls wake up, I decide to tidy up the kitchen with the few dishes that are lying in the sink. I also whip up a batch of pancakes and put the batter aside until they wake up so that I can cook them fresh for them. 

Sydney is the first awake and I think she must have woken Harry because he comes downstairs with her on his hip, half asleep meanwhile Sydney looks completely fresh, awake and rejuvenated. 

"Good morning beautiful girl. Look how well rested you look. Did you have a good sleep?" I say to her as I kiss her cheek and take her from Harry's grasp. Sydney smiles at me before burying her head into my neck and giving me the best morning cuddle. I squeeze her back tightly and can't fight the urge to smile because I just have so much love for this little angel. 

"You should have seen the sight of her 5 minutes ago. I gave her a quick bath because she had a poo explosion in her sleep."

"Did she sleep with you or in her crib? You couldn't smell it?"

"In her crib. She only co-sleeps with you. She sleeps in her crib when you aren't around."

Ignoring his slight dig at me, I place her in her high chair and show her the pancake batter. 

"Would you like some yummy pancakes?" I ask her. 

"We should eat breakfast outside and watch the sunrise. I'll go get London up."

"No, let her sleep in. It's the weekend."

Harry shrugs his shoulders. "Whatever you say."

"Just because you woke up to a shit explosion, doesn't mean that you have to be in a shitty mood."

"I'm not in a shitty mood." He argues back. "What are you on about?"

I choose to ignore him again because I would rather not argue with him at all, let alone even before the sun as bloody risen. Harry and I have always bantered light heartedly. But since breaking up, even light banter turns into arguments so the least we say to each other, the better. 

"Mummy b-bwies."

"Do you want some blueberries on your pancakes?" I ask Sydney and she nods her head while smiling widely and kicking her feet in her high chair.