Together Or Apart

15. Food Fixes Everything

"I have food in my stomach, now speak." 

Harry wipes his hands with the napkin before placing it down on his empty plate.

"Perhaps we should wait until after the mains. Once you have some pasta then-"

"Oh for fuck sake Harry."

He smiles at me and sits upright and turns to face me. "Alright. I need to tell you how I have been feeling."

I remain silent and wait for him to continue speaking. 

"Whenever I come home, I feel like I am intruding in my own house. Like I am disrupting the routine and schedules that you have set in place for the girls. I feel as though I have no input and that basically I am just a part-time person in their lives. You won't even leave Sydney alone with me anymore."

"You feel like a part-time father because Harry..." I pause, thinking about how I can word this nicely so that I don't offend him. However, there is no better way to say it. "You are like a part-time father to those girls. You are away a lot. In the beginning, you were there more. For the last 5-6 months, you have been away more than you have been home. Coming home for 3 days and then leaving for 10 upsets London. Sydney is too young to understand, but London cries herself to sleep so many times because she just wants her Daddy. I try to console her, but I'm not you. She loves me, I know she does - but you are her favourite Harry. The reason why I can't leave Sydney alone with you is because she has trust issues. She is familiar with my parents, London and I because we are constantly around her. It takes her a while to warm up to you and remember that you are her father, but by the time that happens, it is time for you to jet off again."

"So you think that if I stopped with the travelling, then all of our problems will be solved? It seems as though that I am the only one causing problems for our relationship."

I shake my head. "It's not just you. It's me too. My insecurities and mental health play a major factor in our relationship. That and the travelling are the main reasons. But there's so much small stuff. We bicker over the most stupid things and I don't know why. I feel like we barely speak anymore, we just argue. I don't want our girls witnessing that, Harry."

"We do argue a lot and I don't like that either. We both just seem to say the wrong thing to each other."

I glance down at the necklace on my neck. With the troubles that we are facing right now, maybe the wedding isn't a good idea. We are far from achieving the values and morals of a married couple. 

"So what do we do Harry?"

He lets out a sigh and his breath hitches at the end which tells me that he is on the verge of tears. When he lifts his head to meet my gaze, I see tears brewing in his eyes. I swallow the lump in my throat as I fight my own urge to break down into tears. Harry's face has turned completely pale and I imagine that mine has too. 

This feels like de ja vu of when we broke up the first time before I found out I was pregnant with London. We decided to take a break and fate had a way of bringing us back together. Fate which was brought to us in the shape of our darling angel London. Then came along Sydney and life was great for a while. But unfortunately good things don't seem to last when it comes to Harry and I. 

Perhaps we were together too young and we should have been more careful and focused on our careers before getting knocked up and having two babies. Perhaps. However I don't regret a single thing because my girls are my whole world. I know they are Harry's world too. He just has a hard time managing family and his career. It is hard for him, I get that. He couldn't easily settle for stopping his career for his family like I did. I try to see things from his POV, but I find it difficult to understand.