Together Or Apart

30. I Miss You

I set the red roses down on the grass floor and sit to the side of the granite tombstone. Red roses were always her favourite. She would go to the local florist each Thursday morning and purchase a fresh batch for the entrance of her home. The floral scent always reminds me of their home whenever I smell it. 

I read the words engraved into the stone. 

In loving memory of Barbara Josephine Hayes. A thoughtful sister to Trisha, devoted mother to Elizabeth and Grace, and caring grandmother to Rachel, Hailey, Nathaniel and Tyson. 

14th October 1944 - 11th July 2019. 

"I miss you so much Nanna Barb." I smile as a tear slips down my cheek while a vivid image of her kind smile shines bright inside my head. Then a wave of guilt washes through me because I didn't visit her enough before she passed away. I hadn't seen her in a whole year before she passed. I know she had dementia and wasn't herself, but I wish I had visited her still. She never got to meet Sydney and only seen London a handful of times. 

My Nan was so good to me my entire childhood. If it weren't for her, then I never would have met Harry. After all, it is her bakery which Harry used to visit an eventually landed a job at. Whenever I would come on my annual holiday to London, I would stay at my grandparent's place and meet up with Harry. 

Nanna Barb was my wingwoman. I hope she is looking down on us, at peace, happy and proud of the family that Harry and I created. 

"I wish you were here right now Nanna. You always gave me the best advice. Quick and honest you would always say. Sometimes you were a little blunt, but I needed to hear it. I wonder what you would tell me to do in my situation now?"

I pick up a small patch of grass and throw it into the air, watching as the wind blows it to the right and out of sight. 

"I think you would tell me to stay with Harry no matter what happens or how I feel because you were always old school like that. You vowed to be with your partner and you would stick by them through thick and thin. Harry and I aren't married yet, but we skipped a few chapters and went straight to the baby making part." I laugh to myself.

"I feel trapped, Nanna. I love Harry and I could not imagine ever being with anyone except him. When our family is together and no obstacles are in our way, things are incredible. But those times seem so rare nowadays. More often than not, we spend our time together arguing and disagreeing on almost everything. We both keep stepping on each other's toes, saying the wrong things and doing the wrong things."

"I have realised that I push a lot of the blame on Harry. I blame it on him being on tour and away from his family. I am to blame too. Maybe I'm not a good partner. I am too focused on being a good Mum, that I neglect Harry's needs. I've tried to be better, but it feels forced. I don't want to force my affection for him. I used to not be able to take my hands off of him. Sorry, I shouldn't be saying this to you Nanna. Oh well, I'm just going to keep rambling. Take this time to boil yourself a cup of tea because I've got a lot to tell you."

I imagine her picking up her old cup and saucer, sitting down on a knitted lounge and crossing her legs. Her right leg over her left and kicking her foot back and forth as she watches the steam flowing from her cup. 

"Ever since I became a mother, I didn't feel like myself. I lost my confidence and neglected my own self care because I just wanted to do whatever I could for my daughters. It upsets me when I hear London crying herself to sleep because she just wants goodnight cuddles from her Dad. It breaks my heart when Sydney glances at her father and gives him a look as if he were a stranger because he has been away for too long. As she gets older, she is starting to remember him more. But a few months ago, she would take days to feel comfortable enough for him to even hold her."