A Second Chance

chapter thirty four

I had thought I was over the attacks, the nightmares, the constant thought in the back of my mind. But I wasn't. I had a good few months without it but it was slowly creeping back. It first started the night Meredith hosted an engagement party for Mark and I. My ptsd first showed back up after we left the party early. I spent the night crying in Marks arms. It then showed up a few nights later at work when I had a young patient who had severe trauma from a bullet to the back. Whilst assisting that patient I completely zoned out, my thoughts consuming my mind. The most recent attack was when I was spending the night at Meredith's house. I was babysitting Zola and had put her to bed then I went to bed myself. I woke up in a screaming panic after a nightmare about the crash. Meredith and Derek rushed into the room, Mere cradling me. After that attack I swore to get help. Not only for myself but for my future, friends, family and patients.

So here I was back in the same office room with the blonde haired, blue eyed Sam. He was my therapist I was given after the plane crash. But only lasted a session. The room was brighter this time, the walls a pale cream decorated with plants. I sat in a white chair whilst Sam sat directly across from me. I stared at anything but Sam. I noticed the bright sky shining on the walls that were slightly cracked. I then focused on the fan on the roof and how it spun around slowly. Then Sam caught my attention.

"Alexandra" he spoke opening his book and clicking his pen

"mmmm, yeah" I spoke softly fiddling with my fingers and continuing to look around

"Alexandra this is only going to work if you commit" Sam added drawing my gaze to him. "Tell me about your attacks"

"Well they start off with my chest tightening, I slowly cannot breathe" I started off taking deep breaths in between. "I either then start to black out or begin crying"

"Do you know what causes this?" Sam asked writing down notes

"Well" I begin full knowing the answer "I either witness a person in a similar situation I was in or I have nightmares" I replied slowly

Sam paused for a minute and continued to write down notes. It felt like forever until he continued the conversation. "Tell me what helps you get out of these attacks?"

"Well I either slowly come out of them myself or my partner Mark comforts me"

"Mark as in Mark Sloan?" Sam asks

"Yeah him" I replied confused on why it mattered who Mark was.

Sam continued writing notes then stopped "Well that's our session for today Alexandra" he spoke looking at his watch. "I'm glad you came out again and I am going to say we progress further with our sessions. In the mean time I am going to have you take some SSRIs to ease the attacks and ask you to document the attacks they have happened."

I nodded and took the medication slip from Sam "Thank you Sam, I'll see you next week" I added as I walked out and Sam closed the door.

I folded the slip and slipped it into my pocket to use later and headed off to the attendings lounge. On my way there I felt a kind of relief after talking about my problems. Like there was a light in the dark tunnel that was making its way to me. As I proceeded down the walkway in my own world I bumped into a familiar person. They caught me with their hands grasped around mine pulling me towards them to steady me.

"You have a habit of bumping into me" he confessed whilst smiling with a steady grip on me.

I chuckled "you have a habit of always being there to catch me"

Mark laughed and let me go neatly tucking strands of hair behind my ears. "How did it go?" He asked playing with my hair

I locked eyes with him "good actually, it was nice to get it off my chest"

He smiled "good, I'm glad you are finding it successful. Are you back to work now?" He replied releasing his hands from my hair and dragging them down to meet my hands.

I intertwined our hands and nodded "yeah I was just about to go to the lounge if you wanted to join?"

Mark rubbed his thumbs against my hands "I would love too" he replied as we began to walk to the lounge with our hands still intertwined.

"We have Sof tonight" Mark spoke "I was thinking we could make homemade pizzas. Thoughts?" He added whilst rubbing my hand with his thumb

I nodded and smiled "I think that would be an amazing idea. Sof would love that"

Mark smiled back "I'll go to the shops with Sof after work if you wanted to join?"

"My last surgery is at 2 I'll see how long that takes me and let you know"

Mark nodded and opened the door as we entered the lounge. Meredith, April, and Callie were sitting eating their lunch.

"How did it go Lex?" Meredith asked as soon as she noticed me

"It was good, I feel a lot more at ease" I replied grabbing my lunch from the fridge and taking a seat next to the girls "it was great to talk it out, I was even prescribed some meds to help lower the anxiety."

"That's good Lexie. I'm very proud of you" Meredith spoke giving me a side hug

"Are you grabbing Sof this afternoon Mark?" Callie asked as Mark was making his coffee

"Yeah we are having pizza night at the Sloans tonight" Mark replied with excitement in his voice which was happy to see.

"Sounds fun" Callie spoke "don't forget she has picture day tomorrow" Callie said with a stern voice to make sure Mark knew to get her daughter presentable

"Relax Callie, I have this under control" Mark replied walking behind me and placing a kiss on my head

"I'll see you tonight Lex" he whispered in my ear "I love you"

"I love you too" I whispered back and planted a kiss on his lips.

"Please make Sof look presentable tomorrow Mark" Callie spoke anxiously as Mark went to leave

"Relax Callie I have this all under control" Mark replied giving Callie a rub on the shoulders then leaving.

I chuckled Callie had very little faith in Mark. Mark in fact was a dad who knew how to style and dress his daughter. Of course there were some days where not much effort was put into it but when Sofia needed to look presentable Mark always pulled through.

The end of the work day came sooner then expected. I found myself at the grocery store with Mark and Sofia. Mark was pushing the trolley whilst Sofia walked around holding my hand.

"We just need yeast for the dough and that should cover it" Mark spoke as Sofia and I followed him

As we walked down the isle I could feel my chest tighten and my breathing shortening. It was happening again.

"Mark" I croaked out

He turned around and instantly walked over "Take Sof  please" I asked as he picked her up

"You alright?" Mark Asher grabbing my shoulder

I shook my head "I'm having an attack, I'm gonna go get some air" I spoke

Mark pulled me into his chest kidding my forehead repeatedly "it's gonna be okay" he whispered

"I'll be outside" I spoke and walked off