Easy To See(Sequel to 'Didn't Know It Before' - an EJ Caswell Fanfiction)

Chapter Twenty-Four: Like Clockwork

"Sorry! I'm so sorry, I'm so late!" I chuckled, dropping my backpack on the floor and collapsing into my seat opposite Dr. Robbins. 

"No problem," She said with a smile, "I'm just not going to be available this weekend, so I wanted to make sure you got your session in. You look happy."

"I...am. Yeah I am, at the moment." I replied, grinning at her. "Yeah, the craziest thing just happened. East High showed up at school to look for their Beast mask, because they thought the North High kids stole it, and there was this whole dance-off thing-well, that part isn't really important. The important thing is that they all asked me to come back and I...said yes! They've all forgiven me, and I've been working through my abandonment issues, so obviously I've forgiven them, and it finally feels like everything is getting back to normal!" 

"Normal, huh?" She asked. "What does that mean exactly? What's normal for you?"

"You know...I'm back at East High, I'm with my friends...I kind of...talked to EJ." 

"How did that go?" 

I bit my lip.

"I told him that I can't ask him to wait for me to be healthy enough to be with him." I replied. "And I can't. He's graduating soon, and then it'll be off to the next chapter of his life and I don't...I don't think I should spoil that for him anymore than I already have." 

"That seems very responsible." She stated. "How do you feel about that?" 

"Well...not good." I admitted with a shrug. "I love EJ, and I don't know if that's ever going to change. But...so many problems have popped up simply because I was terrified of losing him. I'm starting to realize now that if I really love him then I have to be willing to let him go...if that's what is best for him." 

"That is a very healthy mindset," She agreed, "But I do want you to keep in mind that, just because you're willing to let him go, doesn't mean he will necessarily want to leave." 

"Yeah...I don't think he does. He made that pretty clear." I told her. She nodded.

"And do you feel like being with him will be...detrimental to your mental health? Will continuing your relationship with EJ set you back?" 

"I...I don't know." I answered. "I mean, not EJ himself. He is the sweetest, most supportive boyfriend there could ever be. I just...I'm not a hundred percent sure if I can trust myself not to freak out again. I mean, what if we get in another fight and I start spiraling again?"

"Its certainly a possibility," She agreed, "But you also have to consider the fact that things are different now. You're aware of your abandonment issues, and the symptoms they create. If you can maintain the self-awareness to take a step back and recognize that your trauma has been triggered, then you will be able to separate those feelings from the situation at hand. And if your partner is also aware of those feelings, and is trained in how to handle an episode, then its definitely something the two of you could navigate together, should the need arise." 

"Yeah but...I don't know." I said quietly. "Do you think I'm ready for that?"

"Well, that's partially up to you." She told me. "If you don't feel like you're ready to be in a relationship, then you should absolutely listen to that concern. But the fact that you're concerned about whether or not you're ready, and the fact that you're aware and are actively thinking about how unhealthy trauma responses can impact the people around you...that, in my professional opinion, makes me think that you are much further along than you think you are. Listen to your feelings, and act accordingly but also...don't be too hard on yourself."