Allegiance | Kylo Ren

XXXIX

Kylo slept for a long time. I dozed a bit, slipping in and out of consciousness, but did not fall into a deep sleep as I knew he had.

When at last he moved, indicating that he was awake, I sat up. He gazed up at me with sleep-filled eyes, looking a bit confused as to why I was there. But then he seemed to remember, and he rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands.

"Feel better?" I gave him a small smile.

He gave a barely noticeable nod, his eyes fluttering shut again for a moment.

"I guess I'm boring enough to put you to sleep." I chuckled. "You were out like a light."

He smiled softly, sitting up and ruffling his hair with his fingers. "I don't think that's the reason."

"I don't mind." I reached over and pulled on his braid so it lay on top of his midnight curls, in plain sight. "You needed to sleep."

He watched me closely, seeming to hold his breath. My eyes met his, and I became acutely aware of how close our faces were. I shifted backward quickly, swallowing shakily.

"I should probably go." 

"Are you going to go back to the hospital?" He asked quietly.

My eyes searched his face, trying to assess how he felt about the prospect of me spending the rest of the day with Mason. He kept his expression carefully guarded, revealing nothing.

"That's what I do most days." I admitted at last. "It feels good to be able to help out." I paused. "But I'm not sure I want to today."

"Stay here, then?" Kylo looked hopeful. "With me?"

It was at times like these that I caught a glimpse of who Kylo might have been if he had never joined the First Order. He seemed so young, so innocent, so pure. As he watched me with hope sparkling in his dark eyes, I knew right away that I could not leave.

"I think I've run out of stories to tell you." I informed him hesitantly, taking a step towards him.

A relieved smile curved his lips as I indirectly agreed to stay. "Then let me tell you one."

My eyebrows rose, and I settled on the bed next to him. "Okay."

He took a deep breath, his eyes darting around as he tried to think of how to start.

"I told you that I was twelve when I started Jedi training, right?" I nodded, and he continued. "I had never gotten along well with my parents. They were both incredibly well-known throughout the galaxy, for some stuff that happened a while back, before I was born. And then they had me, and it seemed like I was nothing more than that little kid who could never do anything right. I could almost feel everyone's disappointment that I wasn't born some hero like my parents were."

"You were just a kid—" I began to protest, but he held up a hand to stop me.

"When I turned twelve, they sent me to train alongside my uncle, Luke Skywalker."

My eyes widened at the name. I had heard of him—everyone had. I just hadn't realized that he was anything more than a myth.

"It turned out that I was much stronger with the Force than anyone had realized. I was a top student, and for the first time, I felt like I had a place, somewhere I belonged." A soft smile crossed his features. "It was in training that I met the first people I ever considered friends."

"Calia?" I guessed.

He confirmed my suspicions with a nod. "Not all the other trainees were kind to me. I think they were jealous, mostly, that my uncle was the instructor. They had no idea what they were talking about—that was nothing to be jealous of. But Calia was always kind. She had this strange sense of humor, and when she was nervous her hands would always twitch—" He broke off, lost in memory, and I smiled at his reminiscence. Then his eyes darted to me, and he seemed to remember that he was in the middle of speaking.

He narrowed his eyes as he remembered his time in training. "As a student, I excelled. But Luke didn't treat me like the other trainees—I think it was because I was family, and he had these unreasonable high expectations for how I should have been performing, even though I was far better than anyone else there. I had finished the basic training of the Jedi, years ahead of schedule, but I still wasn't enough for my uncle."

I met his stony gaze. I think I knew what happened next.

"So when I was approached by someone, a stranger, who promised me that he could train me far beyond Luke's capabilities and take me somewhere I would belong, somewhere I would be accepted and appreciated, I was persuaded easily."

He looked away, pulling his knees to his chest. Suddenly he looked very vulnerable, and uncertain about sharing his past.

"You don't have to tell me any more if you don't want to." I told him gently.

Kylo's eyes searched my face, and he seemed to be fighting to find the right words.

"Supreme Leader Snoke told me that if I joined the First Order, I would have power beyond what I had ever imagined." His voice was shaky now. "But he didn't tell me how hard it would be to leave it all behind. I didn't want to—" He broke off, and I gave him an empathetic look.

"It's okay." I whispered.

"No, I'm sorry." His eyes were downcast. "I just can't—"

"Kylo." My voice was stronger now. "It's alright. I promise." I reached over and took his hand in mine. "You don't have to share everything."

We fell into silence. I kept his hand in mine, reassured by the relief that crossed his features.

"Thank you for telling me." I said at last, giving him a sideways smile.

"One day I'll be able to tell you everything." He almost seemed to be talking to himself more than to me. "One day I'll be brave enough."

"Some things don't have to be shared."

"One day I'll tell you." Kylo's voice was firm, and I somehow knew that he was telling the truth.

"When you're ready." I gave his hand another squeeze.