Allegiance | Kylo Ren

LXVII

"How are you feeling?" Kylo's voice broke the heavy silence.

I shot him a glare, pressing my lips together.

He sighed, running a hand over his face. Then he gestured to the bed. "Please sit. I need to talk to you."

I set my jaw, but did as he asked and perched uneasily on the edge of his bed. He paced wordlessly for a few moments before speaking.

"I know that you are unhappy with me—"

"Unhappy?" I croaked out, my voice scraggly from lack of use. "You think I'm unhappy with you? Kylo, let me elaborate on how I am currently feeling: I am not sure that I have ever hated someone more than I hate you right now."

His eyes darkened. He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off again, my voice growing stronger.

"You didn't even hesitate." My words became choked, but I pushed away the tears threatening to show. "You didn't even think twice. You killed him like he was nothing, just an obstacle in your way to achieving greatness. Did you even wonder how he felt in his last moments? How I felt?"

"Cal, I didn't have a choice." Kylo's voice rose with desperation. "Please, you have to understand—"

"You always have a choice." I sneered. "You could have refused. You could have walked away. You could have let him live."

"No, I couldn't." He reached a hand out, but I slapped it away. "I have to complete my training. I don't have any other option. You heard Hux give the orders."

"You didn't have to follow them!" I snapped. "You knew that killing Mason was wrong, you had to know! But you did it anyway!"

"Cal, do you realize how hypocritical you're being right now?" Kylo's sudden shout made me jump. His voice lowered as he continued, but the frustration remained clear. "You're always going on about how a Stormtrooper's duty is to follow orders no matter what, even if it means putting their own opinions aside. Even if you know what you're doing isn't right. That's exactly what I was doing: following orders. You're not the only one whose allegiance is to their leader, alright?"

"But you're not a trooper!" I protested, my fists curling around the bed comforter. "You're Kylo Ren. You have enough power to make your own decisions."

"Not when it's Snoke giving orders."

I knew he was right, but my pride was keeping me from showing any kind of sympathy or understanding. So instead, I sat there, glowering.

Kylo's voice softened. "If I hadn't killed the doctor—"

"His name is Mason." I hissed.

"Whatever! If I hadn't killed Mason, then they would have killed you." He gazed at me intensely, his eyes begging me to understand.

I looked away. "And why would that matter?"

I knew the answer. Because I'm your only friend.

Kylo's fingers pulled stressfully at the roots of his hair. "Calia, do you have any idea what you do to me?"

I blinked at him, not expecting that response. "What?" The word left my lips as barely more than a whisper.

He strode forward and placed his hands on either side of me, his face dangerously close to mine.

"I'm so hopelessly in love with you." His dark eyes were swimming with emotions. "I have been for a long time. And I would never purposefully do anything to hurt you, but I cannot—will not—lose you."

I stared at him with wide eyes, speechless.

"And I know that you don't feel the same way. You loved the doctor, and no matter how much I hated that, I wasn't about to take him away from you. But I die a little every time you say his name, every time I saw him cross your mind, because I wanted so desperately to be him. I wanted you to think that way about me, for you to love me. But I knew he made you happy, and I wasn't planning on taking that away. Calia, you have to believe me, if there was any other way—"

A slight frown made its way across my face, and Kylo paused, suddenly looking uncertain.

"Did you enjoy doing it? Killing him?" My voice was cold.

Kylo's eyes widened, confusion flashing across his thin face. "No, I—"

I stood up, pushing him away from me. "This worked out perfectly for you, didn't it? You got the doctor out of the picture, and now I'm all yours, right?" Anger was seeping into every word. "Did you think that the moment he was gone that I would come running to you?"

Kylo looked alarmed. "No, Cal—"

"The funny thing is, I did love you. Maybe not in the way you wanted, but at least it was something. I trusted you completely, and I loved you dearly." My eyes narrowed. "But I guess that wasn't enough for you. You had to cut out the competition."

"Calia, please—"

"Don't." I snapped. "Just don't, Kylo. All this time, I had ignored what others were saying about you, that you were heartless and selfish and cruel. I didn't believe them before, but now I do. They were right all along. I was just being naïve in believing that I knew the real you."

I took long strides to reach the door, but Kylo blocked my path at the last moment. He stared at me, desperation clear across his face.

"Calia, you've got this all wrong. I love you. Please believe me when I say I'm sorry for what I did."

"Move, Kylo." I stared at the door over his shoulder.

When he didn't move, I pushed him aside and left, letting the door slam behind me. As I made my way down the hall, I heard crashes and loud swearing from the room I had just left.

But I didn't care. I was done.