Train Wreck

twenty three

Alice POV

The cool morning air was bracing as I stepped onto the deck, mug of coffee in hand and journal tucked under my arm. I kept my cell phone handy as always but made sure to set it face down on the patio table so it was not a distraction. Benji was still sleeping and knew full well how much I loved taking early morning time just to meditate and focus myself.

Mornings were always Daddy's favorite.

Before Clara came into my life, we would wake up at 0600 and my bed would be properly made before helping with breakfast. Even as a toddler he showed me how to set the table and do simple chores. It may sound rigid, but Daddy knew how to lead by example.

He was never someone who demanded unconditional obedience.

Daddy was the kind of man who always showed me what to do and gently guided with a calm and generous spirit.

I remember times when I would make mistakes.  Skipping school to go to the mall my Freshman year stuck out most, but my "punishment" was that Daddy went in to school early with me the following day.  I had to approach each of my teachers and admit I played hooky then accept whatever they handed down for their own consequences.  Each was understanding and kind, giving me extra credit homework or papers to accomplish so I could learn more responsibility.  I had never acted out before and clearly this was a one off situation.  Daddy knew owning my faults would allow the chance to see how even when you mess up, you can admit your mistakes and move ahead.

"Okay, Alice... it's Wednesday..." my voice was quiet as I talked to myself, sitting in one of our patio chairs and curling up as always. Sitting pretzeled with my legs crossed and underneath me was comfortable at this point, especially now that I was used to hours of studying in this position. I sipped my coffee quietly, letting the morning wash over me, before opening the journal to read its pages yet again.

These are Clara's words.

She shared her heart with me for years, but gifted this particular journal on my sixteenth birthday.

"I want you to know what Love can be like. I've felt it more than once... with Benji's real daddy but then also with your Daddy. Lissy, I need you to know that you are worth every ounce of love, respect, and devotion. Value yourself and never doubt that you deserve the sun, moon, and stars."

Clara's voice echoed in my mind, but she was no longer here to help me sort out everything we had discovered.

She was gone, leaving me with just her words and instincts.

"So, Clara?" I kept my voice quiet, since talking to a woman who has been dead for years is probably grounds for being committed, "What do I do?"

My heart squeezed as I lifted the journal, opening it to any random page as a sort of Magic 8 Ball horoscope to tell me how to act.

I smiled when I saw an old photo of Benji and me from his early school days, sitting on the front porch with popsicles in hand. My face had blue dye staining my mouth and chin while Benji's was red but neither of us cared. It was obviously a hot and sunny day, our Slip and Slide visible in the background and sprinkler running while we were in swimsuits, but more than that I saw the smile on Benji's face.  Daddy was visible on the side of our yard, waving at the camera while my brother and I played.

Benji was staring at me as I cheese'd for the camera.

Just staring with the most loving smile.

Something tugged inside me and I flipped the photograph over. I gasped when I saw Clara's handwriting and read her caption.

"Alice, 14, and Benji, just turned 6. Hottest day of August! Couldn't feed them enough popsicles to cool off but that doesn't matter when Beep loves his big sister more than life.  So thankful for these two and their undying bond.  I never want to forget their deep connection."