Train Wreck

fifty-four

Remington POV

Sometimes I had dreams that Reese was still around.

They usually happened after a rough day.  Maybe a performance review that was not as stellar as I hoped or a few stressful weeks before the end of a quarter, but usually anxiety turns my brain against me.

My favorite was the "playing catch" dream.  It was common since the same thing happened so much during childhood that it could easily be considered a core memory.  Reese, his freckled smile screeching, "GO LONGER, REMI!!!!," as he stuck out his tongue before bolting across our lawn then stopped so I could throw the baseball his way.

Maybe it was more like a mirage?

Every single time I felt so safe and warm, sunset oranges and pinks painted across the sky as the baseball sailed straight into my mitt while my little brother ran back to me.  Mother would come outside with freshly squeezed lemonade while Dad pulled in after work, finally ready to relax as a family.

I woke up slowly, the cold fabric under my skin a shock after feeling so much heat in my dream.  Lissy was still softly snoring, blanket wrapped tightly around her as she cuddled against the pillow with her back toward me. 

Her body was so small next to mine.

I studied her for a long moment, breath rising and falling as her hair shifted and curls fell with the movement.  She's so peaceful when she sleeps.  During the day I can tell her mind does not stop.  She's constantly analyzing, constantly watching, constantly tweaking everything to make it perfect for the world.

Sleep is when she can set her worries down and finally have peace.

I decided to slip out of bed and get some air, mainly to clear my head and get a handle on my emotions before Lissy woke.  Her heart is also shattered.  She is also in constant pain but focuses on others to channel that energy.  If I can try to get a jump start then maybe that will help today go more smoothly for all of us.

It was barely six in the morning but my head was pounding. Then again, I woke up with a headache or stomach issues most of the time when I was upset.  I knew if I got a snack and some pain meds that I would feel better and hopefully be able to meet everyone later.  

They want to help. They also want to support me, so I can try to rally and just be present.  Lissy reminded me I just need to exist, so that's what I will have to repeat as a mantra.

Just allow life to happen for the next few days.  She can guide me and help this process along.  I have people I can trust nearby now.

The muscles in my back were tight from how bad my posture had been but the pain reminded me that life continued in spite of the loss.  I was glad Lissy had a small house since it took more energy than I expected to get to the kitchen for a glass of water and some pain meds.  One hand braced on the wall kept me steady as I made the short walk to the kitchen but I was surprised when there was no puppy greeting me right away.

After peeking in the dining room and noticing her crate was empty, I saw Benji in the backyard already playing frisbee with Peach from one of the deck chairs.

I took a few minutes to swallow some meds and grabbed two cans of Coke, trying to wake myself up before stepping outside to check in with my little brother.

Benji jumped, gasping, "Fuck!" as he spun almost spilling a glass of water on the table next to him with his overreaction.

I chuckled, "Sorry, bro."

He shook his head, taking a moment to catch his breath while I grabbed a chair and pulled it over so I could sit down.  Benji was scrolling his phone mindlessly so I did the same.  Instagram had nothing new and we did not plan to post anything on social media, either.