Train Wreck

fifty-six

Remington POV

So much can happen in a week.

Too much.

One week ago I found my dad after he took his final breath.

Lissy flipped on the turn signal and hummed as she side-eyed me from the driver's seat of her car. I was anxious and she could tell just based on my thumping foot and fingers that could not stop fidgeting with everything in reach.  She was able to easily flip the glove box closed without a problem each time I triggered it open while fussing with knobs and buttons on the console.  My girlfriend was managing to keep me under control like a busy mom with toddlers that needed to make sure Sharpie didn't end up on her white couch. 

This seemed like such an easy errand but I put it off too long.  Now even the thought of stopping by the house filled me with anxiety.  I had to rip off the band-aid before we could continue healing.

It was time to open his safe.

Yesterday was the funeral. 

The pain still burned with every breath but I was finding room for joy every day. I knew that would be a constant struggle, so persisted in listening to those who went before me. Benji and Liss knew this path well, so their feedback and wisdom have been invaluable during this time.  Rob did an amazing job with the small graveside memorial service held for those that knew Gregory Lowe.  Plans were already made before Dad passed away but he allowed me to include a few words of my own.  I never liked public speaking but with Lissy's help, I was able to say a little about what my Dad meant to me.  

It's hard.  Hard not to idealize.  My Dad was not a perfect man so I have struggled to love the man who cared for me as a human was able but also lied and manipulated for years.  He made mistakes and made amends.  Balancing those aspects of who he was is difficult, especially now that I have the fruit of those lies as part of my daily life.

Benji.

My little brother was heartbroken but showed strength I never would have imagined through this process.  Benji stayed at my side along with Alice every step of the way.  No one questioned his loyalty and I never had to explain why he was there.  It was merely understood that he was part of my life through Lissy, though the true nature of his connection to my family was much deeper. He decided to hold off on saying more to the general public since it felt safer this way as we grieved. 

Physical therapy was rougher than expected this week and he was given the harsh news that it may be longer before the boot and cast come off. Benji was taking it hard so he chose to stay at the house relaxing with video games and Peach.  We tried to keep every day relaxed so he had chances to heal but due to all the funeral meetings I've been involved with it was busier than usual the last few days.  Benji took everything in stride but I could see the strain in his jaw and how sharply he responded when anyone asked him a question.

Liss suggested giving him some alone time for the morning so we could run errands but as soon as we were in the car her true motivation was clear.  He jumped at the chance to have the house to himself, especially since there was a new Netflix series he was eager to check out.  Benji insisted he was fine on his own and while I could tell Liss struggled with whether it was safe, she trusted him to be responsible.

It was time to go back to Dad's house.  Benji was not ready.  I wasn't, either, but I needed to be.

I need her now so this way she can focus all her energy on helping me deal with memories.

Realizing how much pressure this must lay on her shoulders made me feel guilty, especially considering how stressed she was consistently due to life at large.  Alice was already raising a teenager alone while figuring out her new job and trying to establish herself in a new town.  Her mind is a constant flurry of juggling everyone else's needs.