Train Wreck

thirty three

Alice POV

"I can't believe these are still in such good shape.,." Greg marveled as he turned the leather bound journal over in his hand, touching the binding with a wistful smile on his face.  

His fingers slowly lingered on the embossed cover that read "Clara Matthews."  I recalled her telling me these were a gift from her Papa back when she graduated college years prior, six identical journals with her name in gold foil so she could keep track of her thoughts and dreams. 

Write what you know... and what you want to know... you always told me that, Clara...

I let out a breath, my heart racing as he held the journal and began gingerly flipping through the pages. She loved writing and would constantly have one of these nearby, scribbling ideas or recipes from Good Morning America or taking notes from whatever book she was reading.

Clara absorbed information like a sponge. She wanted to learn and grow so her journals were an extension of her very being.  Benji was known for coloring in crayon over the pages, decorating her penmanship with rainbows of scribbles that were now a reminder of his chaotic nature amidst her desire for structure.

I finally had breath to speak, my voice returning as I looked at Greg's tired face and offered a smile, "Yeah, she had a batch of these and as you know wrote constantly.  Benji even colored in most of them over her words but she never minded. I have a few I don't want to share since they were personal to us, but I am happy to let you go over the rest." My eyes met his and saw a glimmer of hope flash.

Maybe this will be the closure he has always needed...

I realized in that instant Clara's constant voice in my head was not as loud when Greg was around. This did not worry me but I grew curious about why she would leave when her first love was nearby.  Clara has always been my North Star, guiding my path.  She's always shown me how to behave and been almost like a Fairy Godmother, somehow appearing when I needed her most.  Maybe it seemed crazy but I decided a long time ago to just accept this as a gift.

Greg seemed to think about my words but shook his head, "No, that's okay... she gave these to you. I don't need to read her words and reopen that wound." He looked to Remington and Benji as they sat watching us from the couch, identical concerned expressions on their faces. "Just knowing... knowing you kept them... Alice, this means so much. It's Clara's legacy continued."

I heard Benji laugh lightly, then turned to see him whisper something to Remington. "Have something you want to share with the class, Beep?" I quirked an eyebrow toward my brother. 

Remi coughed and tucked his head to the side, effectively hiding his gaze while I scrutinized Benji. 

"Uhh... no?" He stuttered, mouth hanging open and eyes wide, "Nothing to share!"

The doorbell rang and I stood straighter, brushing my romper so it fell properly while I stretched my back and hips. "Saved by the bell, asshole." I glared, using two fingers and pointing them toward my eyes then his back and forth as a playful threat, "I'm watching you, Benji..."

Greg laughed while I made my way to the front door with Benji close behind as we greeted Kenny and Leah along with Princess Peach.

My heart was teetering on the cusp after our rock skipping adventure in the middle of the night.

Nothing prepared me for what we experienced at Baker's pond.

I was not ready to see Remington in such a vulnerable state.  Even after the hospital stay, where my head was so muddled from medication and grief and trauma that I still can't parse all that happened, I was surprised at how shattered he seemed.  Benji even commented in the car that he wanted to be more gentle with Remi now that he knows how sad he is.