Train Wreck

fifty-five

Alice POV

I'm not ready...

Of course, I put on a good front, breezing past the guys as we packed a cooler and got changed into swimsuits and casual clothes.  I slipped into a comfortable bikini underneath my sunflower romper and kept a hoodie nearby.  As I left my bedroom a glimpse of boxers on the floor by the left side of the bed stopped me in my tracks.

I slept... in bed... with a grown man last night.

The fact played over in my mind for a moment as I studied my room, realizing mementos of my visitor were strewn throughout the space.  An Arctic Cherry Gatorade bottle on the side table next to his phone cord, his laptop bag, dirty clothes from the previous day.

"Clara, forgive me... I really want to sin with him."  I whispered, smirking at my reflection in the mirror on my closet door.  My hair was a wavy mess that I knew would only get worse as the humidity increased but I tugged at the tangle of curls anyway, attempting to secure it further.  It wasn't worth the effort of undoing my scunchie to brush out my lion's mane but I could double down on the casual vibe and make sure the pile of locks would not budge.  After adjusting the straps on my swimsuit and romper I sighed, "I guess this is as good as it's gonna get, eh?"

"Come on, Lissy!"

I turned toward the doorway as Benji hollered for me and let out another sigh.

I'm just... not.

I'm not ready.  

I need more time before being around other people, but if left to my own devices I would probably just stay in this safe bubble forever.

Solitude has always been my safe place.  Back when our parents died I was able to create a secret corner of the apartment for myself but always allowed Benji into that sanctum if he needed me.

Now, as I grabbed a hoodie to shove into my tote bag with towels for the pool and sunscreen, I realized that Remington could be trusted in those spaces as well.

The sun was brighter than my head was capable of accepting so I slid large sunglasses on my face before stepping out of the car.  Our quick trip to the grocery store was more fun than I expected thanks to Benji playing DJ after he discovered an old mix CD from my high school days.  I had a 90's boy band phase so he cracked up at my song choices but I could see Remington mouthing the words to "Tearing Up My Heart."

The man of my dreams is a secret *NSYNC stan.  That fact made me love him even more.

I made sure my wide-brimmed straw hat was in the trunk along with the cooler of leftovers we packed from the fridge. Benji found a few containers of raw veggies with hummus as well as some cheese so suggested putting together a cheeseboard. We grabbed a couple of baguettes along with croissants when we stopped at the store for orange juice and champagne to tie the entire contribution together.  Remington suggested this was a great way to clear out some of our leftovers and I had to agree.

This is usually when I'm happiest.  Working on a project as a team, filling in the blanks... each time I have a to-do list and can systematically check things off I feel accomplished. 

Not today.

Remington seemed like he was holding himself together but I had the feeling he and Benji were only putting on a good front for my benefit.  The three of us were in a loop of soothing ourselves to help one another cope which was a kind gesture but not sustainable.

Masking will not last forever and can make healing more difficult.

I took a few deep breaths while grabbing one of our grocery bags, then considered how to handle the day.  Usually, I would just hang back but today may work differently with so many people here.