Cold All the Way Through, But Warming

A Trip

The time after the ball seemed to roll together, days and weeks blending together until June had almost come to an end. Mother let word slip to Abraham about Ezekiel's plan not a day after I had told her, and poor Zeke found himself confined to the boiler room and the Star set out immediately for a long voyage that kept them from New York for almost a month. Which meant that my escort to the offices wound up being one of the footmen, in fact one who had helped tie Mr. Reichster to a chair. After the first day of riding in the carriage with me, he took to riding with the coachman on the driver's seat. Not that I blamed him.

A black fog had seemed to descend on me after the ball, with nothing to look forward to, and my mood reflected the drudgery my life had become. I barely read, hadn't touched my embroidery, and spent the carriage rides to the offices gloomy looking out the window, trying to see if I could predict the weather and how it would effect our schedule. My life now was only continuing on in my duties to the company. Rising early, staying late, and trying to turn my focus completely to the business. I tried to ignore the fact that Will had not sent a letter after the first one, that he had not answered the telegrams I had sent. The first one I could understand, I had received a reply that Mr. Murdoch was visiting family in Scotland. But I had sent three after that, each one the same.

Will, please write to me, or send me a wire. Let me know that all is well. I'm sorry. I miss you, Ana.

But it was only silence that greeted me each evening when I returned, calling cards and letters from relatives, but nothing from Britain. Not a letter, not a telegram, not a single word. I'd followed what the papers reported on the British Inquiry, it lasted much longer than the American one. It reached the same conclusions though; the officers had only been doing as they had been trained, the standards had laxed while maritime technology progressed, the company had only been keeping to their standards. In all, it seemed an indictment of the way things were done, rather than being blamed on one individual. The lack of word from Will had me avoiding coming home, it was better to be at the office than to see the empty silver tray. On some days I didn't go home at all. I kept to the offices more than my bed lately, not that I was able to avoid the nightmares more in the leather chair than the soft mattress in my room. A new one had arisen lately, something beyond the sinking.

I patted powder across my breasts, trying to lighten the marks that Zachary had left on me. Henry hated to see that his son had been doing his husbandly duties. Zachary had taken me over the breakfast table, my face almost pressed into a plate of eggs as he thrust into me. Halfway through he had pulled out, flipping me over and tearing off the wrapper I had been wearing as he nipped at my breasts, as he strained between my thighs. After he had finished he had gone off from the massive house his parents had gifted us for the wedding, but the marks had begun to darken by the afternoon. The red teeth mark were fairly gone by the time Henry burst through the door, coming behind me on the vanity and taking my breasts into his hands as he began to maul my neck, the egg sized ruby that dangled between my breasts clattering to the vanity as he jerked the clasp open. He had strict rules for our meetings, jewelry was allowed but not a stitch of clothing on me. I let him lick his way up me, closing my eyes and thinking of the presents I would make him buy me tomorrow.

He tumbled me back onto the bed, quickly stripping off his own clothes. Henry was never one for a lead up, he had that in common with his son. I gasped out a few false sounds of desire as he pulled my legs apart, one thrust settling him inside me as he began to grunt with the exertion of it. I kept my eyes on the ceiling, but wrapped my legs around him. He liked me to at least pretend to enjoy these sessions. But I felt his hands reach my throat, tightening and squeezing-

I shook myself awake, my heart racing as I shoved myself away from the oak desk. I was safe, I was fine, I was in the company offices. The sky outside was growing darker, the office still bright from the electric lights and I leaned back in the chair, trying to calm myself. It was only a dream, a nightmare, and by far not the worst one that I had had recently. That had been a week ago, I had been back in the writing room on the Titanic, but Zachary hadn't been content with dancing. I had looked out the window as he rutted on top of me, seeing Will outside, a look of heartbreak on his face.