Cold All the Way Through, But Warming

A Quiet Sort of Grief

Will was quiet in the morning when we boarded the train to Scotland, not even Rigel pawing at him brought about more than a grunt. Which meant that I was the one to flag down porters to load our trunks and arrange for their transfer down the line. Eventually I settled into a compartment with him, Rigel on the seat across from us. I gave his arm a squeeze, "Did you not sleep well?"

He shifted, but only to put an arm around me. "I slept fine."

"Was it something you ate?"

"Ana, I'm fine." He sighed, leaning over to press a kiss to my head. "Just, I just want to get this done."

"It will be soon." I smiled as Rigel stretched across the entire bench, looking over at us with his hanging jowls and large wagging tail. "And then we'll be back down here. We might even see the Lightollers again before we go back."

He grunted, "Perhaps." He held me close as the train shuffled into motion, and dropped his hand to my waist. "Ana, have you ever had any strange dreams?"

"Of course," I snorted, "I remember one time I dreamt I arrived to a party naked."

He started at that, "Ana, good God."

"Well, I'm sure you wouldn't have minded." I teased, glad for him to react to something. "Although I'm not sure you would appreciate everyone else staring." He blushed at that, and pulled me a bit tighter to him. "I suppose I have dreamed of other things, although nothing as exciting as that."

Will pursed his lips, "You haven't dreamed of anyone you knew visiting you? Your grandfather for instance?"

"I barely knew him, I think I dreamed about him being at a birthday party I had once when I was little." I leaned into him, "Why all the questions about dreams?"

He shifted under me, "I had just thought that with all the memories on the Olympic you may have dreamed of your father."

Oh, that. I dropped my head, "I, I try not to dream of him." Those dreams still came through though, that last moment on the deck with Father by my side and then he was gone and I was alone. Those dreams were not pleasant and if Will wasn't around usually led to me wandering up to the office and having a drink.

"Why?"

"Will, I would think that's obvious." I shifted away from him, my arms wrapping around myself. "I don't like to remember all that."

He sat up a bit straighter on the bench, "But shouldn't you? You shouldn't forget him."

"I haven't forgotten him!" I snapped, drawing a whine out of Rigel. I drew a breath, trying to control my temper. "I'll never forget him, you know that."

"I know." He reached over, trying to worm his hand around mine but I clutched myself tighter. "Ana, please."

"Why would you even think that, then? Why would you say that?" I moved away again, pressing myself up against the wall. I could feel the emotion in my throat, the tears that thinking about Father always seemed to bring. There was also a bit of anger there, at Will, but I squashed that flat. "Will, I didn't even get to say I loved him one last time. At least you got that with Ada." He had, he gotten to tell her he loved her before he left on a crossing and I hadn't even said thank you to Father for getting me to the railing that night.

He flinched, "Ana, please, calm down."

"What are you driving at then?" I sniffed, feeling a tear leak out. "Why?"

"Because I think you need to confront them." Will moved across the bench, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me tight to him. "I had to do that with Ada, and I think it helped." His hands wrapped around my arms, shifting me so that I clung to his shoulders. "I don't want you to avoid thinking of him, I want you to be able to tell stories about him to our children. I'll tell them stories about my Ma, and I want you to do the same. They should know about him."