Cold All the Way Through, But Warming

Guilt

The next morning was unpleasant to say the least. When Louise pulled back my bed curtains and tried to urge me to get up, I simply could not. I turned my back to her, and asked her to leave me. She did try to coerce me, mentioning all the fine things that had been prepared for breakfast and how the trial was sure to be very entertaining after yesterday's events. I buried my face in my pillow. "I'm not hungry Louise, can you please just let me be?"

"But Miss Dalian, the court. Everyone will be waiting"

"Damn the court and everyone there." I lifted my head, glaring. "I don't want to order you Louise, but I will."

She hesitated a moment before bobbing a curtsey. "Yes, Miss Dalian." The door closed behind her with a satisfying noise, and I pulled the curtains around me again. The last thing I wanted was to face anyone after last night. God, how could I have been so stupid? Peggy was right, I should have been stronger. I should have been better. I should have kept myself to the highest standards, hell I never should have let Will into my bed.

I shut my eyes, hoping to sleep the day away. The night before had not been restful, I'd spent most of it crying out of shame into my blankets. Rigel had wandered over to Will's rooms, which meant I had been truly alone. I was considering going to get Rigel when my curtains opened again, Peggy peering in. "Miss Anastasia, you need to come down to breakfast. Your mother is getting concerned."

"I'm not hungry." I repeated, trying the same tactic I had used on Louise. "I just want to sleep."

"Don't let what happened last night affect you today." Peggy shifted one of the curtains to the side, allowing her to sit on the bed and reach out for my shoulder. "It is simply something that needed to be fixed. And it has been. Now, come along. I saw an entire plate of waffles waiting for you.""

"I don't want waffles." I pulled away from her hand. "Could you just bring Rigel in? I'm not feeling well."

She sniffed. "Miss Anastasia, if this is you throwing a snit it's not going to work. Mr. Murdoch has sworn to stay to his own bed until your wedding night, and you know I won't let it through on this point."

"It's not a snit." I closed my eyes, pressing my head farther into the pillow. "I really don't feel well. I think it was the fainting yesterday. Could you please just get Rigel? Please, Peggy?" She sighed, rising and closing the curtains again. I tried to calm myself, but a few tears dotted my pillowcase. I didn't deserve waffles and bacon, I barely deserved Rigel. I deserved to sit here, in the dark, and think about how horrible I had acted.

The next time the door opened, the first thing I heard was claws clicking on the floor. It was followed by two pairs of footsteps, but Rigel reached me first. He shoved his nose through the hanging, pushed his way in and up onto the bed, and then set to licking me. I snorted a bit, pulling him closer and wrapping my arms around him. The curtains were pulled completely aside, revealing Mother and Will looking down at me. Mother leaned over, "Anastasia, we need to get going or we're going to be late."

I couldn't even look at her, "I don't think I will be going today. I feel horrible."

"Don't let that Dyer get to you." Mother sat down on the bed, even reaching over to scratch Rigel. "You know everything he said was a lie."

I saw Will flinch at that, and I felt a twist in my stomach. "I know Mother, but really, I don't think I could get out of bed today."

"Hmm," She reached out, placing her hands on either side of my face. "You are rather pale, I suppose we could stay home and send word to them. Will you at least eat something?"

"I'm not hungry." I dropped my gaze. "Just tired."

"Do you think your monthly is coming on? That could be causing it."