Cold All the Way Through, But Warming

The First Anniversary

Liz and Oscar truly did their best the day before the anniversary of the sinking. Carriage rides in the park, another large dinner with ice cream and dancing to rags in the parlor once we were home, they really did everything they could to try and help us feel better. It actually hurt to see Oscar so dearly trying to get Will and I to join in the fun, and my steps when Oscar pulled me into a rag were slow and clumsy. He gave my hand a squeeze, "Come on now, I know you can dance better than that."

I looked down, trying to focus on the steps. "I'm sorry."

"I don't want you to apologize, I just want you to be happy, Anastasia." He spun me around quicker and quicker. "I know it's a hard time, but I don't want you to focus on it. I want you to be happy." He leaned a bit closer, his voice whispering. "You know that's what Gareth would have wanted too, he was never the type to dwell on the sadness. Don't disappoint him, and me. I just want you to smile, just a little smile. For me, please?"

The corners of my lips twitched up, especially when Oscar's hands began to lightly tickle my sides. "That's cheating."

"It got you to smile, didn't it?" Oscar chuckled, settling the two of us down onto a pair of chairs. Liz and James were still dancing as the phonograph in the parlor turned over to another song, but Will reached over for my hand. He'd been quiet all day, somber in the carriage, even when I had convinced Oscar to come join us and let Liz and James have a carriage to themselves. I had thought he would have found it funny to see Oscar fume as the two of them began to sit a bit closer to each other, especially when our carriage fell behind them and they were lost to our sight. Oscar had probably played up his anger to try and entertain us, but it still hadn't worked.

"Will," I squeezed his hand. "Do you want to head up?" I saw his nod from the corner of my eye, and the two of us made our good nights to the others. I embraced Oscar, my voice low. "Thank you for today."

He returned my hug. "I just wish I could have done better." He didn't give me a chance to respond, haranguing Liz to leave James for a moment and come bid me good night. I embraced her and then James, and stood close to Will as we made our way up the stairs. Every flight seemed to take an hour to climb, and he kept hold of my hand all the while.

I turned to him when we came to the landing, pressing my head to his shoulder. "It's just one night."

"It was." He brought an arm up to hold me closer. "One night that will stay with me forever."

"We'll have so many more to replace it."

"There's no replacing it, Ana. We're going to have to live through it, every year. Any time we get mentioned, so will that night." His voice was bitter and cold, but he pressed me to him. "No matter how many nights I have with you, no matter how many years, we will always have to have that night. It's a part of us."

"So we should learn to live with it, instead of dread it." I threw my arms around his shoulders, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "It will seem so much brighter in the morning."

Will's voice was a whisper. "But the night is so dark." He stepped away at that, and I could hear Reggie speaking to him when he entered his rooms.

Louise was waiting for me, a cup of hot chocolate and a shot of whiskey with it. She smiled as she held both out. "I thought you might need it tonight, Miss Dalian." I took the whiskey first, tossing it back and hissing as it burned its way down my throat.

"Thank you, Louise." I took the hot chocolate next, nursing it as she quickly stripped me out of my clothes and into a bath. I detected Peggy's hand in the bath, the smell of lavender redolent. I tried to let it calm me, leaning back and closing my eyes. I focused on the smell, the warmth, all the comfort that the people around me were trying to provide. But I knew it would be of little help, not when all I could remember was Ezekiel coming in a day ago to say that he had sent Morgan to Mother because Mr. Rigby had called in a panic. Mother had become withdrawn, not eating, and he needed help if she was to make it through in some semblance of reasonableness. Ezekiel had apologized, saying that he would have stayed but that Abe was headed out and he'd missed too many trips. He'd left me with a hug and a promise to call on me the moment he returned.