Cold All the Way Through, But Warming

Stubborn

I was back in my office, the anniversary having passed without any major incident. I had still drunk myself into a stupor the night of, much to Mother's displeasure. But the nights leading up to it had been filled with such nightmares that I couldn't help it. They were still the ones that had dogged me since the night, Father freezing before my very eyes, but more had been added to them. Instead of simply an iceberg, my constant worry about Will had added in a new element. A German ship, a sleek cruiser that cut its way through the water, pounded Titanic with shells and torpedoes, tearing her sides to shreds. The water around the ship grew white with foam as it rushed in, and I knew in my heart that Will was trapped there, his coat caught and his hands unable to free himself.

In my dreams I had thrown myself into the water, desperately trying to reach him before another shell had turned everything into a mass of fire and metal.

Fortunately it was done, and I had plenty to distract myself with at the offices. Mother had not only invested heavily in that shipyard, she had commissioned new ships. The plans were spread in front of me, and I was tracing over the lines of them with a finger. They were beautiful, clean and with a larger passenger allotment than most of our other ships. With their turbine engines, they could easily deal with anything the Atlantic could throw at them, and I couldn't help the little thrill that raced through me. These ships spoke to me of a world where the war was done, where our ships could run things beyond the necessities. Luxuries, foolish things that made people happy, oh it would be heaven. I grabbed a pen to note down a few changes, some new innovations I would like to see on them. I had heard great things about fuel oil being used instead of coal, perhaps their boilers could run on that.

I was smiling when I heard the light knock at my door, although Adam's face quickly wiped it away.

He was pale, and his voice was shaky. "Mrs. Murdoch, an officer from the Royal Navy is here." The pen I had been using clattered to the floor.

No, no. This wasn't happening. This was a dream. I was back in a nightmare, it wasn't real.

The older man in uniform coming through into my office, a telegram in his hand, was a hallucination. He was simply my mind conjuring my worst fears, a way to torture myself.

I stood; my feet unsteady. I threw my hands across my desk to try and steady myself, feeling a shaking all through my body. My voice was faint, and I desperately tried to blink away a black ring that was beginning to obscure my vision. "No, no this can't be. No. No. Get out! Get out, damn you!" I felt my knees give out, and I collapsed to the floor. There was only one reason this man could be here. Will was dead. He was dead and not coming home. Lost at sea, just like Father and I was alone.

And then everything was black, although I could still hear even though my limbs would not obey me.

But I didn't want to, I didn't want to hear anything. I wanted to weep and scream, I wanted to jump out of the window and throw myself into the bay. I wanted to be with Will, with Father. But I couldn't move, I couldn't even bring myself to open my eyes.

I could hear Adam curse, "Damn it, what did you do?"

It sounded like there was a scuffle, but eventually they separated. "I didn't even speak, sir." The other man replied, and I felt myself shift as someone lifted my head onto their lap.

Judging by the closeness of the voice, it was Mr. Keller. "Her husband, he's-"

"Alive, sir. And promoted, I was coming to bring the good news in person." I wanted to cry at his words, and I tried desperately to open my eyes. "Sir, does she keep some smelling salts around?"

Adam shifted me on his lap, shoving a foul smelling vial beneath my noise. I recoiled from it, control of myself returning, if only to get me away from the vial that Adam was almost shoving up my nostrils. And then the tears in my eyes were those of relief, as I wept into my hands. Will was safe, he was safe and alive and everything was alright.