Adopted by Billie Eilish

twenty-three

hi comment please, it makes me happy :)

i've been in my room for a while now just staring at the ceiling, feeling my anger bubbling up.

"billie! come here please!" i'm bored of staring at my ceiling at this point.

"if you wanna talk to me, come to me!"

"i cant fucking come to you if i'm on fucking room arrest! can i?!"

i hear her walking up the stairs and the way shes walking means shes angry. i audibly gulped as my room door opened.

she came over silently and sat on my bed. she sighed and looked up to me. "whats up?" i rolled my eyes. "what the fuck is going on? when am i allowed to actually walk around my house freely?"

"listen here, first, drop the attitude. if anything i should be mad at you, wind up the act, its tiring. secondly, i'm waiting for my family to come round because i have no idea what to do with you. i'm so disappointed in you right now, i cant even fathom it. whats gone into you, huh baby? where did all of this come from? why are you doing this to yourself love?"

a tear rolled down my cheek, not only is it awful to hear you've disappointed somebody; this is my mom we're talking about. even before she was my mom, i always looked up to her. i feel like shit and to be honest, i just want a hug. today was not meant to be this way.

i looked up to see her looking at me expectantly. my breath started quickening and my head started to feel fuzzy. i know this feeling all too well; i'm about to have a panic attack

"mom?" "hm?" "you don't have to if you don't wanna but um. ca-can i have a hug please? i really really need a hug. its okay if you hate me and want to just leave me be but um i-"

i was cut off by billie moving next to me and pulling me on top of her chest. she started raking my hair with her fingers whispering sweet nothings; but i couldn't hear her.

she held me to her chest tightly and i listened to her heartbeat to try and steady my breathing. my ears finally started to produce sound and i could make out what billie was saying to me.

"just breathe baby, everythings going to be okay. i'm not going anywhere, you're safe, you're so loved, so so loved. follow
my heart beat, listen to my breathing. you're okay, everythings going to be okay. good job baby. follow my breathing, in... out... i'm so proud of you love."

by the time she finished, i had fully calmed down. i took one last deep breath and relaxed into my moms arms.

"i'm sorry, i'm so fucking stupid. i don't know why i did it i just wanted them to like me, they always made fun of me for being adopted and they would say shit about you and i thought if i started they would stop but it just got worse and worse. i didn't know what to do."

"hey love, take a breath please, you're getting yourself all worked up again. you're okay. i'm sorry that you felt like you had to do that to stop them from saying things to you. i'm sorry for getting so mad at you, i really fucked up too. i shouldn't have yelled. this doesn't mean that you're off the hook though. you still did something so so stupid. i know that you're much smarter than this gabby. you need to just trust yourself. i need you to make a promise with me,"
i nodded, "no more secrets, you come to me first please, no more sneaking around. come to me and just tell me how you feel." she said squeezing my body extra tightly at some points.

i looked up at her and held my pinky out. we both kissed both ends. "i promise mom, i'm sorry." she squeezed me again.

"its the same for me baby, i wont keep secrets from you, anything you ask me ill tell you the truth." she said looking in my eyes.

"anything?" i questioned. "yeah, why? whats up?"

"so whats going on with rowen, huh?"

she laughed loudly.

"shut. the. fuck. up."

we both chuckled loudly.

"i love you bozo."

"i love you too mom. to the moon."

"and back." she added.

we lay in silence for a while, no uncomfortable silence or tension. us just enjoying eachothers company and for the first time today, we both felt at peace.

an: thank you for being patient with me, things are very hard right now, but your comments and dms are very much appreciated and i'm sorry if i haven't answered you yet. i promise i will eventually. make sure you eat loves and take care of yourselves!
stay safe babies <3