Adopted by Billie Eilish

twenty-four

hi pls comment it makes me happy :)

September 18th, 2019

its the next day, billie and i ended up falling asleep after we had our talk both extremely exhausted from the emotionally draining day.

i've been awake for a few hours now but i don't have the effort to get out of bed.

billie left for a meeting this morning and she hasn't come back yet.

as if on cue, billie opens my bedroom door. i didn't even hear her come home.

"hi love, good morning." she said as she lay down on the bed. i cuddled into her side as a response and she planted a kiss on my forehead.

i'm feeling way too much today but at the same time i'm feeling nothing at all

"can i have your phone please? i just need a distraction." she nodded and pulled her phone out of her hoodie pocket.

i went onto her games she had downloaded for me when i felt overwhelmed that help me calm down slightly.

we lay there for a good 15 minutes in silence as billie raked her fingers through my hair.

i got bored of playing the games so i passed her the phone back with a sigh. i relaxed into my moms arms.

"what are you feeling baby?"

"too much."

"wanna talk about it?"

i shook my head no. theres nothing to talk about. nothings happened to make me feel so much today. i don't have a reason to feel this way. so many people have it so much worse than me. i'm literally the daughter of billie. i have a family that love and support me. they help guide me when i need it. they're always there to help me fix it when i fuck up.

no matter what though, i'm still fucked up. mentally.

it doesn't help that my birthday is in less than two weeks. i always get too overwhelmed around my birthday. most specifically sad though. i call it the birthday blues.

"what are you thinking about? hm?"

"everything." "like what?" "just how i feel, i'm trying to make sense of it."

"talk to me baby."

i told billie everything i've been thinking about and to say it was one of the most relieving things to do would be an understatement. she literally is the best.

we aren't having a "family convention" anymore. my mom knows why i vaped and she trusts me not to continue behind her back. and i wont. i think.

they are all coming over though. we're all gonna have a movie night. with the dogs too. me, mom, sharkie, fin, clauds, peach, maggie, patrick and pepper.

most 15 year olds couldn't think of anything worse than being around all of their family. but i find it calming. they're the most genuine people i know. they're fun too. none of that boring shit.

one time we all spontaneously went over to my grandparents (including the dogs) at 4am to bake cookies. i got mocked by billie because i was confused how you make cookies without eggs and milk. because everyones vegan. lets just say after our disagreement billie and i were covered in flour. as was shark because i made him pounce at billie.

there was another time where we all pulled an all nighter and sat on the beach to watch the sunrise. i've never felt more content in my life. it was the most calming and relaxing thing.

billie and i still do it sometimes. however, there's nothing more enjoyable than doing it for the first time.

i'm surrounded by people who love and care for me but i still feel so fucking sad.

why?