Adopted by Billie Eilish

twenty-nine

important note at the end of the chapter :)

September 28th, 2019

i turn 16 tomorrow, i get my license tomorrow and i've been saving up for a car. i don't have a lot but i'm proud of myself for committing to saving up.

you know how i said that i'm always sad before my birthday? today is the worst day for it. im so fucking sad it's overwhelming. im just so drained.

my birthday just reminds me that i'm still stuck here. no matter how many people that are around me and claim they love me, i just feel alone.

i think theres a huge difference between being lonely and feeling alone. loneliness is when you have nobody around you ever. don't get me wrong, i've felt loneliness for most of my life but nothing compares to feeling alone. it sucks ass.
you could be sat in a room with your favorite people in the world but your so much in your own head that you still feel alone.

that is a horrible feeling.

i still don't have my shit back in case you were wondering. no phone, tv, airpods, ipad, etc. literally nothing. so i've been staring at the ceiling for as long as i can remember.

billie took shark on a walk about an hour and a half ago. she asked if i wanted to go but i pretended to still be sleeping. i know, i know. i have to communicate. and i will. i promised and unlike somebody, i keep my promises.

so i will talk to her, when she gets home.

i heard shuffling outside of my room.

my door creaked open. "shark, attack!" billie yelled.

shark came waltzing in at the slowest pace I've ever seen him walk which made us both crack up with laughter.

i patted my bed and shark snuggled in next to me. "you're on my side aren't you sharkie boy? oh yes you are. you're so cute." i babied kissing all over his head, he snuggled up to me in response.

billie still stood at the doorway with a soft smile on her face watching the interaction.

"theres room for you too." i said patting the opposite side of me.

she walked over and lifted the comforter up and got inside.

she kissed my head and i turned around towards her. i lay my head on her chest and she wrapped her arms around me securely. i sighed in relief.

"how are you holding up?" she asked.

i sighed and shrugged. "not good?" she enquired. i nodded. "whats up my girl?"

i snuggled in closer to her and shut my eyes. "just feel like shit, it'll be okay though." i replied.

"birthday blues?" she asked. it's clear that she actually listens to what i tell her because she even used the phrase i said.

i nodded in response and she held me tighter for a moment.

i think my moms noticed that i'm not the perky person i used to be anymore. although she has only known me as a person since march, we've grown extremely close and we know each other inside out. we are also both empaths. which means we feel things deeply, and we absorb the energies around us that other people give off.

say i'm having a bad day, i'm in a pissy mood and i don't wanna talk. my mom feels that. she knows how i feel. its a blessing and a curse. sometimes you just wanna be left alone, y'know.

"can i have your phone please?" i asked. once again craving a distraction for the chaos in my head. this is a lot for me.

she pulled her phone out and i started playing the games to distract myself. she just played with my hair with her eyes closed as i once again try to hide from my problems.

i cannot even lie to you and tell you that the phone had helped, it really didn't. at all. it usually does and now i'm confused as to how i'm going to get myself out of this funk.

"baby, whats up? seriously, you're distracted by trying to distract yourself self. whats going on?" she asked.

i sighed. "i don't even fucking know. this is so frustrating." i said tearing up.

i started crying softly. i angrily slashed at my face to get rid of my tears. i then noticed my shaky hands and rapid breathing. a panic attack. great.

"hey, hey, don't do that love, take some deep breaths. you're okay. you're safe."

i followed her guidance and my breathing finally slowed.

"can we please just pretend that never happened? i'm too embarrassed to talk."

she nodded but held me in her embrace tighter.

"i love you my sweet girl, lets take a nap and start our day over when we wake up, yeah?" she asked softly.

i sighed. "mhm, thankyou, i love you too. im sorry."

"theres nothing to be sorry about, this is scary, i know. this is your first birthday as an O'Connell. you're going to be okay, i promise. just have to be patient. thats all it takes. sweet dreams gabby."

i snuggled into her and sighed in relief.

we both drifted to sleep to restart the day.
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we're just gonna pretend this doesn't suck ass, okay? thanks. ngl i'm doing really shitty right now, i have exams and Christmas coming up and i'm really not coping. that being said please just be patient with me, i promise i wont forget about this book but i just don't have any motivation at all right now. also i'm seeing billie TWO TIMES next year. i love you all and thank you for all of the kind dms, i really appreciate you. look after yourselves <3