Adopted by Billie Eilish

thirty-four

as i walk into finneas' house, im swarmed by the whole family questioning where i was and who i was with, if im okay and to never scare them like that again.

i ignore them all and walk downstairs to the studio, i need some space. i feel so fucking stupid. how could i have let myself believe that she had changed and that she finally wanted me for me.

"hey bug, its me, can i come in?" claudia asks lingering at the door way. "sorry but can i have some space please clauds? i promise you havent done anything things just never went ho-"

"gabs its okay, take all the time you need, we are all here for you and upstairs when you're ready to talk. i love you."

"thankyou, i love you more." and with that she smiled and walked back up. i grabbed a notebook off of the table and opened up to the page 'untitled' was written in.

an- for anybody who has forgotten its male fantasy

a while later i checked my phone and realised 3 hours have passed. as if on cue, billie appears at the door.

"hey my love, can i come in?" i nodded. she walks over to the sofa and sits next to me, her eyes land on the notebook. "what are you working on?" i handed her the notebook and lay my head in her lap. her fingers thread their way through my hair and i let out a sigh of relief.

home alone trying not to eat, distract myself with pornography, i hate the way she looks at me. i cant stand the dialogue, she would never be that satisfied, its a male fantasy.
im going back to therapy.

cause i loved you then and i love you now, and i don't know how.
guess its hard to know when nobody else comes around.

if i'm getting over you, or just pretending to.
be alright, convince myself i hate you.

i got a call from a girl i used to know, we were inseparable years ago.
thought we'd get along, but it wasn't so.
and its all i think about when im behind the wheel, i worry this is how im always gonna feel. but nothing lasts, i know the deal.

but i loved you then and i love you now, and i don't know how.
guess its hard to know when nobody else comes around.

if i'm getting over you, or just pretending to.
be alright, convince myself i hate you.

cant get over you no matter what i do, i know i should but i could never hate you.

she sat in silence for a while, i just lay enjoying the moment until my mouth got the best of me. i always want her approval.
"i think its finished, what do you think?"

"i love it, i cant wait to hear your pretty voice singing it." she said as she lent down to kiss my cheek. i smiled in response.

"i went and met ava today, y'know, my sister." i blurted. "you did? how did it go?"
i chuckled humourlessly. "turns out she only got in contact with me because of you. kinda sucks. i thought she changed, shes still the same person i knew."

"im sorry that happened gabs, you're so brave for going and im very proud of you. next time please just let me know where you're going and who you're going to see, yeah?" i nodded. "yeah im sorry that i hid it from you, i wont do it again."

"its in the past now, lets go upstairs. we saved your dinner for you, we didnt want to interrupt you."

"okay lets go."

even if i dont have a family within my blood, i know who my real family are. and for that, i couldnt be more grateful.