Adopted by Billie Eilish

thirty

i honestly dont even know what this shit is but trigger warning for this whole chapter tbh

"gabby you fat ugly slut! keep starving yourself its actually starting to work out. hopefully you will look like your sister one day." my mom said.

"ava, hit her!" my dad yelled. she lunged at me and i stumbled backwards. she got on-top of me and started throwing punches.

"get off of her!! thats your sister!! you're taking this too far!!" my mom yelled.

my dad jumped up and punched my mom repeatedly in the temple. i screamed and thrashed around to help her but i made no sound or movements.

"DAD! STOP!! AVA STOP DADS HURTING MOM!!" i yelled. but its like no one could hear me. ava kept punching me.

my dad had my mom in a chokehold and she was turning red, trying to wiggle out of his grasp. "MOM!"

i jumped up and ran towards her. she was lying on the floor and it felt like years before i reached her. i knelt down and it wasn't my biological mom, it was billie.

"you did this," she whimpered. "this is all your fault, it always has been." she said. she took one last deep breath. "i hate you gabby."

i fell to the ground sobbing and screaming. "MOM! NO IM SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN FOR THIS TO HAPPEN!"

my dad walked towards me slowly and started unbuckling his belt, he pulled down his jeans. "NO DAD IM SORRY! DON'T HURT ME! PLEASE! STOP! STOP!"

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i woke up with a gasp. my hair was stuck to my forehead and i was covered in sweat.

my door opens and billie comes running over. "no! i'm sorry! please don't hurt me! please!" i begged.

i backed into the corner of my bed, brought my knees to my chest and hid my face within them.

"gabby baby, whats up? i'm not going to hurt you, i never have and i never will. where has all of this come from sweetheart." she asked softly, looking at me cautiously as if i were to breakdown any minute now.

it was just a dream, it was just a dream. i repeated over and over again in my head. my thoughts were interrupted by someone touching my arm. i flinched and looked up to see billie, she looked taken aback.

"can i have some time alone please billie?" i asked hesitantly.

she looked hurt, i never really call her billie. it just doesn't feel right to call her mom anymore, when my biological mom tried to help me all my life. she didn't deserve to die.

don't get me wrong i still have a lot of pent up anger against her for the abuse i suffered from her for the majority of my life. but she didn't deserve to die. if anything, my dad does. the hurt that man has caused me can never ever be undone.

she nodded and walked out. i sat up and sighed. just when things were starting to work out, i have a fucking nightmare that sets everything back to the beginning.

i was finally recovering and now i never want to eat again. i don't want to leave the house. i want to be alone.

i got up and went to the bathroom. maybe a shower might help me clear my thoughts.

i showered in the dark. i think if i even saw remotely what my body looked like, i would get into an even worse mindset and probably end up with a few more cuts.

i stayed in the dark shower for thirty minutes crying before i hear a knock on the door.

"you okay baby?" billie asked.

"yeah i'm fi-fine." i replied, trying to mask my crying.

"okay, if you need me, i'm here for you."

i couldn't bring myself to reply as another sob fell from my mouth.

i don't know why this has affected me as much as it has. i have nightmares all the time but i guess this ones just hit too hard. especially because the whole thing happened, besides the billie bit.

i turned off the shower and wrapped a fluffy towel around me. i'm pissed off at myself. why am i letting this affect me. i need to talk to claudia. she can help me.

i changed into a hoodie and sweats and walked into my room with wet hair.

"billie!" i shouted. "coming!" she replied.

she walked into my room and sat on my bed expectantly. "can i have my phone?" i asked, trying to remain calm. "no." she replied.

i furrowed my eyebrows. "why? this is such bullshit!" i yelled. "you've had it for nearly two weeks!"

my anger started bubbling up, i know if one more thing goes wrong, i wont be able to control it.

"hey, hey. you don't need to yell, i'm right here." she said, trying to calm me down.

"i have fucking eyes you know! i can see you're right there!" my fists were now balled up and i need to let it out, right now. i started pacing back and forth.

"can you take some breaths for me?"

"no i fucking cant! just give me my phone! i need to talk to claudia!" i screamed as i walked up towards her.

"you will get your phone back gabby, you need to take some breaths, you've made yourself so angry and you don't need to be."

"why the fuck does everyone tell me that?! why cant i feel what i want to?! why does everyone have to try and control me?! i don't need your fucking help!" i screamed as i punched the nearest wall as hard as i could, repeatedly.

i felt arms wrap around me tightly and i tried to get out of her grip. "get off of me! now! billie i'm not even fucking joking! get off me!" i screamed.

"you're okay, take some deep breaths, follow my breathing baby."

i kept trying to get out of her hold but her grip was so tight that it soon became exhausting.

what the fuck am i doing? why do i keep trying to fuck everything up? she's trying to help me. gabby let her help you.

i try to match her breathing and her grip loosens. i turn around in her arms and she pulls me into her chest.

i felt a sudden wave of guilt rush over me and my body started wracking with sobs.

"i'm sorry! i'm sorry! i didn't mean to yell. i'm so scared, so so scared." i said, soaking her shirt with my tears.

"its okay love, you're okay. i forgive you, it's okay." she said as she rubbed circles into my back to calm me.

once i'd calmed down enough to be aware of my surroundings, billie moved us to my bed and lay down with my head on her chest, her arms still around me.

she stroked my hair and started humming a song, my breathing started to even out.

"close your eyes baby, let yourself rest. that was a lot of big feelings."

"i'm scared." i replied.

"i'm right here for you, i wont let anyone hurt you." she spoke softly.

i nodded and let out a yawn.

"thankyou." i said, "I'm sorry for that, but thankyou billie, i love you." i continued, yawning at the end.

"and i love you."

that was the last thing i heard before drifting off to sleep, if today has been this bad, god knows what my birthday tomorrow is gonna bring.

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hi loves, sorry again for not being present, literally wanna kill myself but its ok i'm slaying the day away. take care of yourselves and make sure you have some water and take deep breaths! everything will be okay! i love you and stay safe <3