Welcome to my life and my thoughts. Poems.

I'm Not Going to Lie

There's always for me going to be that worry that someone sees and knows me for who I really am, but I hide everything away and put a smile on my face everyday. I'm trying to get that courage to tell someone, so this is me convincing myself really... But in fact someone found out too late, and even then they barely know anything and are too afraid to ask just like I'm too afraid to tell.

I'm not going to lie anymore,

Not going to cover up anymore,

Mask those real emotions anymore,

Not going to hide my true self,

I won't be ashamed,

I'll be proud,

That I've nearly got past,

On my own,

Because I was let to fight my own battles with no protection or weapons,

Only strength,

And dtermination,

But I pulled through,

If I hadn't,

Where would I be today?

That's the scariest thought for me,

I might not have been here today,

I don't need to lie anymore,

Say "I'm ok" when I know I'm not,

When it's obvious I'm not,

I wish I didn't have to fight my own battles though,

But you're never there,

I wish you'd notice this,

Wish you had noticed how I wasn't myself,

I wasn't the 'normal', happy girl you once knew,

You noticed when it was too late,

When the fight was nearly over,

When I had won,

Was winning,

And still am,

I want to be able to say,

"I'm past it",

Never again,

But at the moment I can't,

I will someday though,

Someday soon,

I know I will,

And maybe if there's a next time,

I have to go through all of this again,

Maybe next time I won't have to go alone,

I hope you're ready to see the real me,

Because I'm not even ready,

And I need that support,

Someone strong,

I'm dreading you finding the true me,

What happens if you hate her?

It's like I'm two people,

But no one knows but me,

No one knows,

So no one knows just how hard it is to pretend to be someone I'm not.