Zain's choice ✔️

5: Broken pieces

I keep wondering if he gave me that laptop so I can finally use my accounts. So he can finally hack into it!

After I got divorced, I ditched every single social media account for fear that he would trace it back to me. It's highly unlikely because Jas had used ghost accounts. But I am worried that I have used my hacker ID to develop those accounts and with his means, it cannot be underestimated that he could find some kind of a trail I hadn't known existed!

I am very paranoid about the littlest things. Which is probably why my ruse worked in Zain in the first place. I am a mad perfectionists and I worry about details!

So while we ate dinner, I tried to act okay. They don't know that their brother had visited. Though Umar keeps asking me whether he came because he smelled his perfume in the living room.

I didn't quite tell them anything. I am not sure why I didn't wish to tell them. For one, they will worry that I have been bullied again. And they could feel more animosity for their brother because of me!

I don't want it. They are my source of peace. How can I be their source of chaos?

Anyway, the tears didn't finally begin to spill until I was alone in my room later after the boys went to sleep.

I cannot stop them. The tears are just side effects of my churning emotions.

My heart tells me that Zain came here tonight because he knows. And he is trying to tell me he didn't care. That he didn't accept Jas being me. He is giving up on her because she is me!

He would rather marry Ali, who looks like Jas, than me, who is Jas because I don't really look like Jas? Maybe I am not reading the signals right and I am just grasping at straws. But whatever!

Bone crushing disappointment flowed through my blood. I cannot hear anything aside from the ringing in my ears.

I should have known he was attracted to how I look. He friggin lied! He didn't love Jas. He never did.

I was right. He only loves how easily she awakens his senses!

It feels like my heart is breaking all over again. And this time, i am uncertain if it would actually ever heal.

I can't believe that after the way he suffered looking for Jas, he still thinks of her as his plaything! So the damn guy is still looking for Jas because he wants to continue the affair.

Buy her a house and a car maybe? Lock her up in his freak art mansion?

I am so determined never to regress. So while I served Umar and Huzaifa their dinner, I excused myself and went into my room. The sight of the Mac Pro reminds me of the situation glaringly and it's like it is facing me like a mean dog.

Kai Zain. In this life when you can be anything. Why couldn't you be kinder? The analogy fits Zain completely like designer clothes!

I sit on the bed as if I am a stranger and rubs soothing circles over my chest area with my bare hand as if trying to smooth the pain rippling in waves all over it.

Hot coal or tar, cannot hold a candle to this soul deep pain.

Yet when will it ever stop?

I know that unless I let the past rest, it will never allow me to heal.

I should find some way to rise above the pain. Each time I want to heal, Zain just does something to crush me again. I have given him too much power over me.

Like a fool, I keep suffering for nothing! And that's actually what hurts most. I can't stop the pain and it's for absolutely nothing!

You cannot change a man by loving him harder or giving him more. And just the way I love him without reason or explanation, I am certain now that he would never ever love me back.