Train Wreck

one

Alice POV

Just breathe, Lissy... inhale, 1, 2, 3, 4, now hold... And exhale...

The air released from my lungs slowly, pressure and anxiety also dissipating along with carbon dioxide. An outside observer would call it controlled or methodical.

Just my style.

My body felt warm so I fidgeted slightly and had to adjust my posture to accommodate the tight seat belt keeping me in place. Every muscle was tight and my teeth clenched despite my attempt at self-soothing, though, so Benji knew better. My little brother caught my eye then leaned forward, our knees bumping one another in the tight quarters of the train car. His nerves were palpable even by others nearby, as evidenced by the kind smiles and gracious gestures from older adults that offered assistance.

We always accepted small gestures when appropriate, thanking and adding small talk as we could. Daddy and Clara raised us to make sure we used our manners, especially when someone went out of their way to show support to a stranger.

His voice cracked slightly which made me smile as he whispered, "Alice... do you have a bad feeling about something?"

The question hung in the air a moment between us.

It's one Benji has asked me hundreds, if not thousands, of times in the fourteen years he has been alive.

My breathing sequence could not be interrupted at that exact second so I persisted until the inhale had been held a proper seven seconds and, while exhaling, whispered, "I just don't know, Beep... it doesn't feel bad but it also doesn't feel good..." His brow furrowed and I felt my maternal instincts kick in, continuing my breathing exercise as seamlessly as possible, "... but deep breathing is always smart, isn't it?"

Like clockwork I could see Benji's eyes warm while he grinned, "Yeah, that triangle breathing thing you taught me works good."

"Works well?" I prompted with eyebrows raised while he smirked.

"Yeah, yeah, works well."

Benji decided to slide his Nintendo hoodie off and returned focus to his iPhone and Angry Birds, an app that has given him more hours of enjoyment than I wanted to admit. Our parents' words rang in my head, admonishing me for allowing him so much screen time, but I had to finish my schooling somehow and couldn't afford child care for a preteen. Minecraft and other games allowed him the chance to learn and grow relationships. I could hear the faint music from his app before headphones clicked into place and smiled as his eyes lit up while he apparently beat a level.

Those glimpses of joy were what reminded me that my normal - the one I found for our little family - may not be what my parents dreamed for us, but this is what we need. We needed to find our own autonomy. I adjusted my posture, moving one leg so it was pretzeled underneath me, and scooted my knapsack further out of the aisle to my left. The train was not large but I was glad its aisle was roomy enough to allow for elbow room and comfortable seating.

We had never traveled outside of Atlanta so it felt like breaking barriers even though we were staying in the same state. It's not that going other places was never on my radar, we just never had the time and opportunity. Finishing college was always my first priority. We debated going crazy and moving to California or something wild, but something about a small town with a stellar baseball team at their high school felt right.

Change is good, right? You graduated and found a great position, now you can start fresh and give Benji the high school experience he deserves somewhere new and safe...

My own rationalizations for my choices sounded so logical and almost clinical that I had to shake my head at my own practicality. Our father would be proud but our Mother?