The rose and the sunflower.
The girl with the golden eyes and the boy with a golden heart.
The girl that believed love was just a fairytale and the boy that believed fairytales are just stories waiting to come true.
'I used to think love was a point...
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
———
The world is a fucked up place is something I said a few years ago. I remember it was one April morning; I woke up with such bad anxiety, like I just knew something terrible had happened. That was the morning I found out my aunt, Aunt Heather, had been killed in a car crash on her way home from the airport.
I'd like to bring that statement back, and actually, I'd like to add to it.
The world is a fucked up place, but I'm even more fucked up because the second I hang up the phone and my eyes fixate on the wall, there's a feeling in my chest that feels like... nothing. And I know that doesn't make sense but as I stare at one of Emma's paintings which occupies the piece of wall I'm staring at, that's the only possible description I can give right now. As the song Daddy Issues finishes playing on the radio and Ryan Seacrest starts talking about... I don't know what he's talking about because I'm too focused on my lack of feeling.
Shouldn't I feel something?
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just so broken that I'm now unable to feel anything at all. But that can't be true. I feel when I'm with him. My problem pertains to grief.
Leaning my back flush against the couch, I look down at my light grey sweatpants, so light they could honestly just be off-white and not grey, and then I look at the dark blue Collingham College sweater that I wear. Suddenly I feel hot, like I'm suffocating and I need to strip down. But I can't do that because then I'd probably be cold. I find myself dialling the one number I don't think I can ever forget because it brings me one ring closer to hearing his voice. I desperately need to see him right now, standing in front of me, holding me and distracting me while I work this all out in my head. I only hope he's not busy right now.
In the midst of biting my thumbnail anxiously out of desperation for him to be free, he picks up on the fourth ring. I can practically hear the smile in his voice as he speaks. "I was just thinking about you, Granger."
"That's really not a surprise." There's still no feeling in my chest. I choose not to dwell on it yet. "Do you have any free time right now?"
"I always have time for you, Angel." His words still spark nothing inside me. "What's up?"
"I need you to come over, like, right now." I tell him before adding a soft, "Please."
"Of course." he confirms that he will. "Are you alright?" he adds the question and I don't blame him for wondering.
"No- Yeah. I just want to see you." That's just the tip of the iceberg.
I'm numb and you're the only one who can make me feel, is what I don't say out loud.
"I just finished eating lunch so I'll leave now then."
